The past year has been incredibly hard on me. From family deaths, to family ostracization, to health problems, a divorce, and many more trials and tribulations. Hoping for a mental reset, I changed jobs and took a paycut just for a new environment. However, it wasn't enough, and I have coped with all of these stressors with more drinking. (I've actually had a drinking problem for years, and have signs of cirrhosis). Over the 7 months I've been working here, I've given my manager glimpses into what I've been going through to explain my poor performance. I've already exceeded the total PTO/sick leave I can take this year by a month (in the 7 months I had been working here, I had to take a lot of time off for life stressors) on top of that, and she let me do that under the radar. I know there will be questions about this so I'll answer it now: I am not a software developer but work for a software company in a non-eng department. I am 29, salaried (although underpaid, especially for COL), with benefits.
One weekend, I had this huge work project that was very impactful due. I had put it off and was intending to finish it over the weekend, as I had lied about the progress I had been making. Instead of doing that, I just drank. That night, I texted friends and found someone who would be willing to take my pets (lied and said it'd just be for a year or so while I was adjusting to divorce). I was in the process of attempting suicide (unrelated to work issues) but last minute called the hotline and did not. Sober the next day, I realized I didn't really want to kill myself, and I never think that sober. So, I thought through my options and decided I need help–rehab, probably. I bought my house before the housing price increase with covid, so my logic was that I could sell the house and use the equity from that to pay for an impatient program, and had a friend who would take care of my pets and my sister was willing to let me live with her. So on Monday, I scheduled a meeting with my manager, and told her what happened and what my plans were.
I was completely unprepared for the level of support I was about to receive.
She cancelled all of her meetings and just let me talk about everything for the whole day. She demonstrated so much patience and kindness. The first thing she did was schedule a therapy appointment for me. She called a realtor and helped me walk through the logistics of selling my house and what financial position that would put me in (wasn't going to be as good as I thought). She offered to let me live with her if I needed. We talked about why work was stressing me out, and why I wasn't succeeding. I felt safe enough to tell her how much I had been struggling with alcohol, too. The rapport was strange, like we were discussing these things after I had told her I was leaving, and she wasn't trying to convince me to stay either. It was so clear she just wanted to make sure I was okay and what she could do to enable that, and that whatever she had mismanaged at work that led me to this point wouldn't happen to anyone else.
At some point, she kindly suggested I go to an AA meeting. She offered to go with me. I had all sorts of excuses for why not (primarily NA over AA from other people's stories), but she picked up on what I was saying and she didn't fight me on it. But she told me she has my address because she's my manager, and she's showing up at 5:30 to check on me. She said “if all we do is ride around in my jeep and talk and get ice cream, that's fine too. I just need to see you with my own eyes and make sure you're okay.” We did end up at the AA meeting doors, and I didn't say anything. She gave me a hug and told me it's okay if I'm not ready, but she's ready to go with me if I ever am and would want her there. She told me this offer continues even if I leave the company–all of her offers of support do. I sat there and thought, “I've known I need to go for years and never have. I've never been this close. If I don't go with her now, I probably never will.” So I said let's do it.
Like a lot of newcomers, I was too shy to say anything when the person leading it said, “I see some new faces here if anyone feels ready to introduce themselves.” Then, my manager gets up and says “Hi I'm
When she called me the next morning, she had a plan for medical leave and a clause I would fit under to qualify, she had stayed up all night looking into local programs with our company's insurance and reading the policy notes. She told me I can leave the company if I want to, but she's worried I won't have health insurance if I do, and I should take the company up on the medical leave while that's an option to me.
Back at work, I came to talk to her and thank her. I realized this woman showed more kindness and support to me than my own parents ever have. I still am not fulfilled in the job/work itself, but I just want to repay this woman somehow and show her I'm going to be okay. She was so delighted to hear that, and we sat down to discuss my new work plan. While still on her team, basically anything that was previously my responsibility was no longer–she didnt want guilt and anxiety of failures (and interacting with the other teams who would have known about that) so she delegated it to someone else. She had all new responsibilities and projects. She had a work schedule and organizational process to show me that she had researched and thinks would fit my work style. She moved our seating arrangement around (everyone got moved around so it wouldn't be obvious) so we could sit together. I've gotten more work done now than I have in two years, and it's going great! Sobriety is going great too. My hopes are high that I can keep it up.
What she did for me is above and beyond what any manager is expected to do. But I feel like a completely new person as a result. Honestly, it's more than what friends and family often have the time to do even for people with supportive ones. So I'm obviously not trying to say this should be the standard for management… however, it does say something. There are better work environments out there, and even good managers making their own way in bad ones.
TLDR: Tried to quit my job and sell my house so I could go to rehab for alcoholism and depression. Instead, my manager got me the help I needed and put me in a position to succeed at work without having to disrupt my life.
Don't ever settle for a manager who doesn't care about you as a human being first. Don't settle for a manager who doesn't treat you with respect and kindness.