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Antiwork

Feeling like just a Name on Paper to Everything.

Hello r/antiwork. This will be my first and hopefully only post. I do not intend to respond or reply to any comments, unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Let me first start by saying that this post is going to be exceedingly long. I would attempt a TL:DR but even that would be lengthy and likely inadequate in making the whole of the feeling known. I just want to make my story known for closure. Obviously this is a throw away account for that reason. I also want to explain that to get these details connected correctly, I’m going to have to go back and forth between different points because I’m trying to describe its discovery in the same way and point that I had. We’ll begin this tale starting with a short explanation of my life. I’m “Normal”. That’s it, really. I have no really big outliers in my life…


Hello r/antiwork. This will be my first and hopefully only post. I do not intend to respond or reply to any comments, unless it becomes absolutely necessary. Let me first start by saying that this post is going to be exceedingly long. I would attempt a TL:DR but even that would be lengthy and likely inadequate in making the whole of the feeling known. I just want to make my story known for closure. Obviously this is a throw away account for that reason.

I also want to explain that to get these details connected correctly, I’m going to have to go back and forth between different points because I’m trying to describe its discovery in the same way and point that I had.

We’ll begin this tale starting with a short explanation of my life. I’m “Normal”. That’s it, really. I have no really big outliers in my life to separate me from any other person in a store or in society. I’m perfectly fine working at my job and then relaxing at home with some video games. I have three others who I live with that I’m not related to but have become such a big part of my life that I call them my family and they are who I consider my family, aside from my parents and other relatives.

I failed at schooling in college but I finished high school and graduated, I felt that was really all I needed, and truly now, feel I should never have even attempted college, because all it gave me was a $6,000 loan that I’m still paying off maybe 5 dollars at a time because interest is dumb and eats 90% of the minimum payments I’ve been making on it for over 10 years of my life. Minimum only because that’s truly all I’ve been able to pay on it.

There is only one field in which I feel that I can actually shine and make effort in without feeling like I’m out of place or out of my league that doesn’t feel commonplace and that’s IT. I’ve grown up around computers all my life and around their systems all my life. I’m comfortable navigating a computer screen, menus, options, and all that good stuff.

I recently had what I felt to be the best job opportunity I’d ever have, being a Field Service Engineer. I will not reveal the location because it was a government position. This was my first actual IT position after years of doing call center jobs to gain the years of the experience needed to get into it.

Given that it was with the government though, there was a very thorough background check and investigation that was done during my time starting there to get me Admin access to the systems. During the time that this investigation was ongoing, I was allowed to work on site and do anything that did not require Admin credentials, which honestly was not very restricting.

I will be honest, that at the initial questionnaire I filled out in the beginning, I was nervous and fearful that if I admitted to drug use, I would be potentially charged with legal action as well as outright be denied the job. I used marijuana, right now I also smoke the new Delta 8 variants that are legal to buy in my state.

I was not straight forward about this in the initial questionnaire, and the agent who was in charge of my investigation found information pointing that I did do drugs and questioned me about why I did not admit to it in the questionnaire.

I was straight forward, I told them I was nervous about further legal action being taken against me. I was not aware that by law I could not be charged for something I admit to like that. I explained and gave details that I would go to a neighboring state where it was legal and buy it there, and bring it back to my home state to smoke at home.

This was in January of 2022 that I had this discussion with the agent. At the end of our discussion I expressed concern that this would prevent me from being able to have the job. He gently assured me that there were many individuals who admitted to doing harder substances than marijuana and that they still were allowed to have their positions. I was allowed to begin my position on January 24th.

I worked in that position doing typical IT work. Troubleshooting, reimaging computer systems, installing software, relocating hardware from one place to another. That kind of stuff. There was the occasional more advanced work as well, such as direct server work but it wasn’t very consistent due to the nature of the systems.

I did this job consistently and reliably for five months until June 28th, when my team lead was given an email from someone I’d never met before that my security clearance was denied and I was to be removed from the building immediately.

The reasoning for my denial? (Of which I wouldn’t actually find out until two weeks later by a letter in the mail) Illegal drug use and my “intentional” effort in not revealing it in the initial questionnaire. Despite my discussion with the agent when they found the information that pointed it out to them that I had been nervous of legal action, despite their reassurance that many individuals get to continue work.

I was devastated…I loved this job, I had a passion for it. I wanted this. I did everything I could to contact someone in order to try and appeal the decision. In the end, I was told the decision was final and there was no appeal process, at all. I found this appalling.

As much as I understand that yes, I hid the information, it was not for the kind of reason they seem to think it is. I was worried about retaliation. I did not know that by law I could not be charged for admitting to something. And…after it sunk in further, I still just couldn't understand it. I can’t understand it now. What about it actually validated me being denied? What about that made me a threat to security?

The only truly illegal thing I did was carry legally bought drugs over state lines to smoke it in the privacy of my own home! Now that there’s legal variants in my state it really doesn’t even matter anymore!

I was stunned, nonplussed, that it appeared my government was so out of sync with society to think that this made me a legitimate threat and that it meant I couldn’t do the job I’d already been doing for the last five months!

My previous job before this one was nothing like this one! I loved it! It was the greatest opportunity of my life and now it was suddenly pulled out from under me, based on the decisions of people who’d probably never even talked to me!

I continued to attempt to contact anyone I could, but after being told again that the decision was final, any other further attempts to contact I made were ignored entirely. I gave up a few days ago.

So…I of course had been doing some job hunting since I lost the job. Currently I do have some job interviews lined up for similar IT positions…but for some reason…I just can’t gather up the same kind of energy I could for this one. That…eagerness and excitement has been tempered by thoughts about how I’ve been treated.

I also tried to set up unemployment benefits. However, after three weeks of waiting for my claim to be accepted; the reason for it being so long being that the employer information had to be gathered by them since it was confused on if it was an actual federal position, which it came to be that it wasn't apparently, (And now I wonder if this means that actual security clearance was ever actually needed since it apparently was not considered an actual federal job) I found out that the maximum amount of benefits I was going to be able to even get was $364, for one week of benefits, which even though I had to wait three weeks for them to get the info they needed, that was all I qualified for.

$364 was not even a quarter of my monthly rent. It was not even half of what I was paid at the job I’d been removed from for a week’s worth of work. It was an absolute waste of my time and effort. And the person over the phone, treated me as nothing more than a name on paper.

And it was here that I did realize, and it’s the kind of thoughts that currently keep me grounded and losing the will to work. Not only do corporations and companies view someone like me as just a name on paper, but so too does my government. Despite my pleading for help and reconsideration, I’d been outright ignored.

So truly, what does anything even matter for? Outside of my immediate family, should I give a damn about anyone? Why not go ahead and actually become a threat since I’ve been branded as one?

Up till this point in life, I’d not thought much about what the government does and how it works. But it’s only now that I’ve seen a bit of the inside that I see that it’s broken. It doesn’t view its own citizens as citizens until they are proven “loyal”, and even a little white lie out of nervousness is enough for them to turn their backs on you. The “benefits” offered are absolutely minimal, and the amount of effort needed to claim them is not worth the time or headache it causes in trying to understand their terminology or process, and as I’ve just found out, the people over the phone who have been trained to know the process will treat you like you’re dumb for not understanding it yourself.

I couldn’t believe that even though their thorough investigation of my character seemed to find nothing else except my drug use, that they believe that is a true threat to national security. I have no reason to doubt that they found every little part of my social life that I keep on the internet, so how the hell is that even a thing? I’d been doing the job for five months already! The stuff the actual security clearance would even allow me to do wasn’t even really necessary to do what I typically did daily!

It felt monstrous. I feel abandoned and betrayed by a system meant to assist and protect me. I understand that the department was put in place to identify and remove national security threats. But if anything, this denial and abandonment has done nothing but incentivize me to -become- a threat.

After the heartache of losing the job and the headaches and aggravation of trying to appeal and be told I couldn’t, twice, and then the uselessness of the unemployment system, I’ve had very, very dark thoughts circle through my mind, the kind of thoughts that would make me a threat…

I honestly believe that the only thing that really keeps me from acting on them is that I technically have a job that will start Aug 1st and my family. Yet still, my trepidation smolders and grows. “What the fuck is the god damn point?” I’m not going into this job happily, I’m not looking at it like a bouncing board for my career…

This modern world is fucked, and whatever hope I had in even managing to keep my hold in it has been destroyed. I now hope that I develop some kind of horrible health or mental issue just so I can actually get good benefits and not have to work in a society that would never have cared for my effort to start with. I no longer want to try.

There’s no such thing as guardian angels, no such thing as positive influences. Greedy corporate sleazeballs and high nosing politicians sitting on high thrones of society control everything and their actions degrade and devalue any good guardian angels or positive influencers could ever do. They simply pretend not to see. No one will offer to pay off my family's nearly $15,000 combined total in debt with no strings attached so that we could have a fresh start. The Government will never implement something that makes sense like universal income to finally fix the disparity between the poor and rich. The national debt relief systems and opportunities all purposefully feel convoluted and difficult to understand in order to keep people from actual trying to use it

Humans in general are cynical, evil creatures. Even myself, I know it. I know it in how I hope that someone would come to my aid like how I just mentioned above. I’ll continue to toil in anonymity for the rest of my life, loving only my close family and friends, and hating everyone else. I’ll develop mental health issues because I can’t stop thinking about how nothing fucking matters. Is there actually a mental health disorder that I could qualify for now to be supported through? Depression? Insanity? A mixture of the two because I think that’s how I feel.

Humans dream because reality sucks. I’ve heard that before. I understand that saying now. For the last month I’ve barely been able to sleep. I want to so badly, but have only been able to shut up my thoughts only when so tired that I can’t keep awake. And even then, my dreams end up argumentative. Myself screaming at those “in power” that they fail us, they fail to protect those who actually need the help. It’s not the poor, the homeless, the bottom of the wrung. Sure, they do need help too, but the people just above them like me, the ones who just barely made enough money to get by week by week. Who live in apartments and work the just above minimal paying jobs. They need help too, and not help they have to “qualify” for. For god damn once it should be help that’s just given to all. Even those at the higher rings.

$1000 a month, for every citizen for even just one year every ten years. The start of new decades! To restart and jumpstart people. That alone would give my household $3,000 a month, to pay off our debts, to get things we’ve needed for a long time. We can’t even afford to buy ketchup to put on frozen potatoes or hotdogs right now.

It's literally all going right back into the economy, it would help us all get out of debt and begin to save again. And it's not like it's fucking communism, if ya only do it for one year every decade, it just to help people kick out debt or jumpstart something for them like a big hobby or a new career path.

Yet my dreams argue the other side too. It’s my fault this happened to me, even if I didn’t know or understand the investigation’s importance, it’s my fault. I get that, I do. But holy shit, why is it when I ask for help to try and make it right so I can keep the job I was excited and invested in that I’m outright being ignored? Not even my dreams can answer that to me. The only conclusion my cynical mind can come to is that: No one ever cared to start with.

The still hopeful part of me thinks that maybe somehow my situation may reach someone’s eyes or ears who can help me. Like the goddamn president, the person voted in by people to represent the people. Would he feel like I’ve been treated properly? That I had a proper opportunity? Would he find it okay that I was removed from a job I was already doing for five months and proved I could reliably do it? Or like my senator, who I myself have never paid any attention to but know that they are supposed to be there to help the citizens.

I’ve never paid any attention to politics and such in general in my lifetime. I never thought I could affect any of it. Like I said at the start of this, I’m a “normal” person. I have nothing big to show for my life. Nothing huge. I’ve lived simply since moving out on my own with my boyfriend and am perfectly fine doing so with moderate comforts: my computer, video games, and friends to play them with.

I’ve never wanted to be any kind of influencer, though the dreams of being a twitch streamer or the like are there, that’s a far flung thing to achieve that requires one to have ways of support to live off until it can become a thing to survive with. Yet I know I’d also enjoy it, entertaining others with gameplay, screaming at bosses I’ve died to two hundred times or misunderstanding gameplay.

But now…now I want to scream my name at every rich politician and corporate goon that exists. I want to scream at them that they have no idea the kind of struggles that society in general goes through. I want to scream that while they worry about their policies and business deals, at least they don’t instead have to worry about how they’re going to fucking afford food to last a week! Hell they probably have personal chefs that cook FOR THEM.

This morning I read how Mr. Zuckerberg went on record in a meeting that there “Was a lot of people working here that probably shouldn’t.” And that those people would openly leave the company themselves because apparently they know who they are. I’ve never heard more rich guy asshole language except maybe from a select few.

I know that the reverse can be said, that the normal common folk don't know the difficulties and trepidations that business people, politicians, or other self made millionaires go through in order to get to where they are and to keep where they are daily, but that doesn't change the point that they have the money to not have to worry about not having money.

I know my situation is not bad, I know other people out there have it way worse. We still have an apartment, for now, we still were able to find enough money to buy enough food, though I’ve never seen as much ramen and stuff like that as I’ve seen now.

But again, holy shit, I feel so misheard and mistreated by a system meant to help me. A system that with every paycheck, took a 17% bite out of it my 1,400 paycheck, (after other benefits and an attempt at a 401k that I've had to cash out) leaving me with just under 1,200. $200 that could've instead went to paying off my debts just that small bit faster. Meanwhile, rich tycoons earn millions daily and pay little more than what might as well feel like dimes to them. It no longer makes sense to me.

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