Hello, this is going to be a bit of vent post.
I've been antiwork for quite some time now – about 8-12 months, probably more. I've ghosted the subreddit for a while and don't have more than a few comments.
It may seem a bit weird but I'm in high school senior year (12th grade). I've always despised studying. Don't get me wrong, I love learning but I hate studying. I hate how everyone around me just seems to accept this kind of activity as “learning”. I hate how the teachers see nothing wrong with it. Our teachers genuinely care for us doing well in the future but it hurts… Hell, I might even be fine with studying if I wasn't forced to study every breathing hour. Yes, you heard me right, every breathing hour. Not a single hour to do the things I enjoy. And if you study all day, there's no social life either. I'm grateful that I have my younger brother so that I still can interact with other people.
I live in a south-east Asian country and these countries are known for having notoriously tough entrance exams to colleges. You cannot get into a good college unless you are in the top 0.1% of all the test givers. The preparation for these exams is stressful, incredibly so. I go to a special preparation school to prepare for this exam. That classroom feels like an asylum. White lights, walls with minimal colour, blinds down, and no natural light. The room… it's just so… I don't even know what to say. It's a machine that drains your soul and your happiness. Today, I woke up and was hit with the usual morning depression but the weather was really nice and I felt quite nice because of the weather. But then I went to that place and here I am, about 8-10 hours later, depressed as fuck… My heart feels so heavy. I wanna cry but I can't.
It doesn't help that all the people at cram school are all geared toward the exam and all they talk about is studying. I don't blame them or anything, they want to study and there's nothing wrong with it. But I don't want to study so why should I be forced to? Once again, I have no problem learning (not studying) about the things I like – piano, gardening, literature, music, strategy, exploration, adventure, etc.
Also, the difference between studying and learning isn't simply a distinction of semantics. It's much deeper than that. When you learn something, you dive deep into its root, you actually understand on a fundamental level, on an intuitive level, how things fit in. Things flow seamlessly. You are actually excited to learn about the subject, and it's a deep, warm excitement that comes from within. Whereas, when you study, everything is just a mere “concept” not an object of understanding. These “concepts” are specific question-solving techniques. There's a greater focus on how to solve exam questions than on how the underlying theory ties into everything. Everything is optimised to perform in the exam. It just goes against me on so many levels. I do realise that perhaps I am the one who is expecting too much from education, that perhaps I'm alone in thinking this way about education. So I don't expect the system to reform to fit my beliefs but I wish that I wasn't forced to stick to their beliefs. I also don't look down on anyone for “studying” rather than learning because it's a personal choice at the end of the day – they chose to study and there's nothing wrong with it, just that I can't study when I know I could be learning.
I have actually had a taste of my version of learning previously – it lasted about a year. It was very slow but I loved every moment of it. So, I do know that my vision of learning isn't just an idealistic delusion but a real possibility.
I don't care about getting into a good college. Not one bit. I hate this schooling system (I don't hate education, I hate schooling). Isn't the purpose of education to equip everyone with the tools to do whatever they want to in their field? Then why is it that only the few 30 thousand people who qualify for the entrance exams get to have a quality education? What about the remaining 1.1 million people? Were they less deserving? Did they do something wrong? Why are there so few colleges? Why doesn't the government help make new colleges?
All this suffering for what…? A 9-5 job that will suck my soul and leave me with no time for myself? All the adults around me say “just work hard during your high school years and you'll be set for life!” but I don't want to be set as a cog in this system.
I don't wish for a lot. I just want a simple life. Life on my own terms. All my days being free to do what I want to. I don't mind working for say, 4 hours a day but 8 is just too much. But in order to achieve that simple life, I need to suffer in this system for 10-15 years more (I plan to FIRE). I just don't know what to do…
I really can't imagine myself suffering for 10-15 years more. I've had passing suicidal thoughts but I send them away saying that it isn't worth it dying over something I hate; if I were to die, it should be for someone or something I love, not for work. I manage to pull through the day, the week, the month but I can't ignore the truth forever.
I try to suppress my feelings and suffering. But the suppression only works for a few weeks and eventually, I break down again and then the suppression feels so fake. I don't think my feelings or thoughts are wrong… so why must I be forced to suppress them? Why must I be forced to stifle my freedom? My emotions?
I think that work is wrong on an ideological level. FIRE, entrepreneurship, etc. are just an exit from the system. They don't change the system.
I don't want to self-diagnose but there is a non-dismissable possibility that the stress and environment have caused me to develop mental disorders, or less extreme, it has certainly skewed my worldview and subconsciously affected my beliefs.
I know my post doesn't make a lot of sense but I just wanted to get everything off my chest. My thoughts and emotions are a very big mess and I get overwhelmed easily…
I just want to know… what am I supposed to do? Is there a way to escape this system without suffering? Isn't there a middle ground?
In all of this, I don't harbour negative feelings for anyone. I can't blame anyone else except our capitalist overlords. This system is just wrong.
This probably also isn't the right subreddit for it. I apologise.