I had a bad day today, things went wrong at work, I had to get into a minor conflict about progression opportunities – I hate conflict so this was hard. I worked a few extra hours, I drove home, realised I was low on fuel, filled up to half a tank, I can't afford anymore unfortunately, came home felt sad and frustrated, my partner was great, sat with me, listened and whilst I felt myself get more and more exhausted and rotten and uninspired. She made me macaroni cheese which was comforting, I didn't feel too up for more talking about it so we vegetated on the couch, watched some crap on netflix whilst scrolling reddit, brain filler activity.
Objectively however I didn't though. I didn't have a bad day. I'm lucky to be mostly outdoors, fresh air – for the most part. I do something I'm passionate about which is supposed to mean something right? What I had today was a bad day in relation to my work. Let me be clear here – I'm doing something I like, which I think has some value, but the construct of me having to exchange this for someone else's greater benefit, with little to no say in how that happens in order to generate numbers/tokens I can then use as a way to keep myself fed, clothed and with enough to transport myself to return the next day is whats fucked me up.
I get home and I'm brooding on the day, I have a few scant hours then I'm back on again, I'm stressed that I need to comply and play along or otherwise what little quality of life I have will slip. I hate how this meaningless artifical ladder climbing forces competition when cooperation is so invaluable, how democracy is never experienced on any sort of level of my life that actually matters and most of all I hate how its all got into my head. I hate the identity my work gives me, I hate it's division of my time. I despise its dreary specialisation, it's ability to alienate you from yourself and the task through sheer crushing repetition. I hate how I was encouraged to find something I love and monetize it. I hate that this propaganda for identity through work is so embedded and how discussing any other way of living or organising ourselves Is seen as some ludicrously utopian daydream – but surely we could do better than subjecting ourselves to a lifetime of alternating anxiety and boredom? I hate that we all play along and that something as simple and abundant as money runs our lives as we always seem to be creating it but never seem to have any. But mostly I hate how it can create feelings like my current one whilst I type this, I hate how I'm typing this but will probably awake in a few hours time, feel sad, alone, tired and desperate but then I'll shove all that down, hate myself for doing so, then throw on my boots and go and do it again.