I was that worker that skipped lunches, offered to stay late, worked OT, went above and beyond etc. Being raised by my immigrant grandparents, I was taught work hard to get ahead. And had the “sleep when your dead” mindset drilled into me. I excelled at school and took AP classes.
Once I started working, my worth was tied to my jobs and what I could provide. Plus having to care for myself made me anxious to make sure had a steady paycheck and could get out of the time I lived paycheck to paycheck and could barely afford to eat.
So many jobs loved me as an employee. My last few jobs I was severely underpaid and over worked. I’d eventually quit to seek better (less toxic) jobs. Each previous job gutted by my departure (the owner of my last job asked my manager to bribe me to stay but couldn’t pay when I needed). Old coworkers would reach out telling me how bad things are since I left. And yet no jobs so far could pay my worth.
I’m currently working a job I quickly grew to hate. I started 3 months ago, giving it my all. Today I’m working from home on a hybrid schedule and doing the bare minimum. I have an hour before I have to help my next patient and I plan on playing video games. I took a nap earlier and washed the dishes!
I also have an interview this Friday for a new job that pays more and should hopefully be less stressful. If I get a worthy offer, I plan on quitting asap.
I wish I could say this new attitude was just a fuck em, I deserve better. But most of it is burn out and my health being poor. I have MDD, anxiety, and ptsd amongst other things. And my job (ironically being in the mental health field) doesn’t provide affordable insurance options or pay me enough to pay out of pocket. I’ve had to go years without my medication because I make too much for Medicaid. My doctor wanted me to go on disability but I don’t want to be forced into poverty for benefits. I’m also apartment hunting because my roommate is leaving and I live in one of the most expensive states in the US. So I’ll be laying at least $300-$500 more in living expenses.
I hate work and I hate not being able to just live without financial stress.
Anyway, I just needed to rant/vent and I’m weirdly proud of myself for acting my wage today. Figured this would be a good place to post this.