I just have NO hire-ability. The idea of putting myself onto a resume makes my skin crawl with all the limitations and reductivism of it. I have an advanced degree and a professional degree and a license in two states and I just can't stand the idea of “going in to work” at a “workplace” or of “being on call” or “getting hired.” It makes me feel dirty, cheap, like somehow they're putting viruses in my breakfast cereal — and my brain.
I guess I have skills but I don't want to use them, I'm a total novelty-seeker, gotta be learning something new, I utterly disrespect every product that has ever existed, WTF is wrong with me? Society must have some place for me. I dunno, just whining.
Then I see the comments on this sub-reddit about how bad work is, and I'm thinking, “yeah, it's always been that bad, that's why they call it 'work' duh …” but I know this isn't true. I just can't bring myself to grind it out the way you have to. I'm sleepy before I even get there in the morning; by 10 am I need a nap; by 1 pm I'm ready to leave, can't focus on anything but MS-solitaire (and no I don't actually play solitaire at work, I'm sure I'd get caught), and I simply DON'T understand this thing here:
How you can possibly CHOOSE the times when you are, or are not, productive?
I mean, it's 3 in the afternoon, I have to do the TPS reports, right? But geez, my brain CAN'T do the TPS reports today, because today, my brain decided it was interested in the Prime Number Theorem and Fermat Numbers of the form 22k + 1 … or maybe the Synapsid branch of the Amniote tree of vertebrates … also Star Battle by KrazyDad … and errors on artillery trajectory charts from the Napoleonic era … Tomorrow there won't be TPS reports for 3 in the afternoon, but tomorrow maybe my brain will decide at 3 that it's able to do them. Also, if I work all day Monday, then I need Tuesday and Wednesday off, just to recover from Monday. It's biological. I don't know how other people do it. Obviously their biology is different from mine.