I guess I wanted to make sure to ask likeminded people who wouldn't just throw vague hustle culture quotes at me.
I'm autistic, and have been struggling a lot financially since I got kicked out (extremist religious parents, queer kid, not a good combo). Retail has burned me out so deeply that I've had to quit twice. I worked in one place where I had to quit because they gave me only 3-4 hours a week. I've only survived by the grace of my partner, who luckily happens to have a high paying job and is okay with an uneven cut until I find something better.
I've gone back to retail and it's so much worse than before. It's been 2-3 weeks and I'm already almost fully burnt out again. It's a mom and pop shop so I thought, less customers is good, right? Nope. I'm working 8-10 hour standing shifts and am always closing alone, basically being the only person who washes dishes in a busy bakery. They haven't had new people since most of the workers went back to college, and it's all been falling on me. I was specific about only wanting part time, but I keep being scheduled full time and will have to talk to them.
I got a super lucky break where someone offered to take me on as an apprentice for my dream job. I've worked real hard for this, and while it's definitely not over, it's a huge step in the right direction. After having no luck for 3 years, getting tons of positive of positive feedback after making a slight career shift feels great.
I was speaking to mh new mentor today, and it was awesome. He talked about how apprentices have been lazy in the past, I reassured him that wasn't me. If I'm going to be working so hard anyways, I might as well put work towards something I love, right? But then we started talking about strengthening exercises. About how much this job destroys your body. And that part stuck with me. I don't think there's a world where I can afford not to destroy my body, and I'm doing that now in retail and already hating every second of it. All that excitement, gone.
I don't know if I want to spend another year in this super intensive job being paid minimum wage just to be able to pay for my expenses. I don't know if I want to do my dream job if it means sacrificing my body, my well being, how good I'll feel in 10-20 years. I don't want to die, but I don't know how many other alternatives I truly have without the money to pursue something new. This is probably the closest thing I'll get to eventual fulfillment, and it doesn't feel great right now.
How do I stay excited for an opportunity when it clashes with my values, and my belief that nobody should destroy themselves or have to go through “trials by fire” just to survive?