First I took one cause I had a Burnout and wasnt able to do anything mentally anymore. I got three weeks and they did help me to recover. The next months someone in my family died from covid and it was also the first time for me. My boss didnt care so i got another sick leave to grieve properly. He wants a personal meeting with me now cause of this which sounded like a threat tbh. And now i wanted to go to the doctor cause i have pain in my Hands for weeks which dont let me sleep properly.
Although my company and my boss treat me like pure shit I still feel this guilt? I dont get it. My hands literally hurt and dont wanna move anymore and then I tell myself its just stress, i am weak, i can just pop pain killers. But at the same time i am aware health comes first and that i could lose my hands if i dont go and do a checkup. Taking painkillers isnt a solution either.
Despite being aware of these things i still feel guilty cause my sick leaves become more and more cause i am so mentally fed up with this job and i dont want a life like this. I am looking for new jobs for a while and got job interviews soon which also makes me feel guilty. I feel like im running away and that i am weak despite me trying to endure and improve things for 1.5 years in this job now. What is wrong with me how can i overcome my feelings for this?