Recently found this subreddit after texting my boss that I was still feeling ill and would be coming in tomorrow instead, after missing 3 days of work due to an (undiagnosed but extremely painful) medical condition. It felt kind of shitty and I'm not in near as much pain as the first 2 days, I honestly could have gone in today but the thought of going in filled me with so much despair. Especially after spending those days with my partner, waking up with them in morning really solidified my feelings on this. All that to say, my boss simply replied with “We will need to have a better discussion about this.” She's a real understanding and kind lady, and I get how this behavior from me is frustrating, but I loathe the work grind.
The worst part is I love my job. I work at a local plant nursery (retail) where we water/take care of the plants, provide soil/fertilizers/etc., and interact with customers. There's also a beer garden where we serve beer, ciders, and wine. It's fantastic, and led me to consider landscape architecture, since designing things like that is my favorite aspect of the job.
I haven't gone to college yet and I likely won't with how expensive and time-consuming everything is, but holy shit do I not want to work a 9-5 for 5 days a week every week. The 2 days off simply aren't enough. I want to spend time with my partner and our friends, play Dungeons and Dragons with them, go hiking, learn how to woodcarve, practice a new language, volunteer at shelters, hang out with our 2 new kittens, SO MUCH stuff that I want to do but either can't afford or make the time for! It's driving me fucking crazy honestly, I'm only 21 and the idea of living life like this forever horrifies me. I don't know how people have done this for years and years.
I just don't know what to do now. After working for only several days and being able to stay at home the rest of the week, going back to the 9-5 makes my clinical depression shiver. Obviously I will and I'll be fine, lol, but I want something more out of life. Spending 40+ hours a week working is not how I want to spend my time. I am deathly afraid of dying an early/unexpected death as well so I want to feel fulfilled now, not in 60+ years that aren't even guaranteed to be stable with the way things are going.
I do still want to be productive and not just sit around the house all day, but the things I enjoy the most aren't things that will sufficiently pay bills. I believe my core issue is that I can't survive off the one thing I want to do most: fictional writing. While I adore nursery work and plants, writing fulfills my soul in a way absolutely nothing else does. I'm not going to become a critically acclaimed author in the next 2 to 10 years so that's off the table. I'm very interested in woodworking/carpentry and taxidermy as well, but have zero experience in these fields. I also don't have a car at the moment, so I'm screwed on all fronts.
I don't think there's really a solution for this, but if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears. Thank you for listening to my rant.