Okay, regarding the title, I KNOW it's not bad, it just sounded less self centered than 'I need validation' and I also still have that voice in the back of my head that says it is bad (thanks capitalism).
But for context, I'm a 20 year old college student who also works abt 35 hours a week at a daycare helping to take care of kids. I actually like my job quite a lot, and I love school even more. It doesn't pay a lot ($10 an hour) but I have severe ADHD so having the same schedule every week that allows me to get home at a reasonable enough time (I never stay later than 6pm) to get homework done so I can have some freedom on the weekends or at least plan things better really helps. But I also suffer from depression which sometimes causes me to sometimes hyperfocus on the negatives and how the positives don't always soften them. It's not as simple as “changing my mindset” because even when I come out of a depressive episode these problems aren't suddenly no longer problems, they're still existing and plaguing me, but now I'm in a mood where I don't notice it.
My depressive episodes lately have become slightly more frequent. I'll have them abt once or twice a month and usually I can push past them and be okay. However yesterday I missed class because I just could not get out of bed. My brain just said no, and my body felt like it was made of weights. I emailed my professor and said that I was unable to make it to class because I was sick and asked what I can do to catch up before Monday when I have a lecture with him again. And for the first time, I seriously considered calling into work with the same lie. I didn't, and I had a really overwhelming day. The room I go into in the afternoon can be overwhelming because it's our after school group (33 kids usually, ranging from age 5-12) but lately it's gotten to the point that it's trigger when I'm in an episode. I feel horrible because I love those kids and it's not their fault, they're just being kids even when they're acting out.
This morning I seriously considered it again, I even had a text message to my boss typed and everything, but it was 10 minutes before I was scheduled to clock in and I felt bad so I went in anyway.
I'm still considering calling in tomorrow for a mental health day since it's Friday and it'll give me a 3 day weekend. But idk. I feel silly for feeling like I need to post on here, almost like I'm seeking validation and/or permission. But on one hand, how could I not feel this way though, when our society as it's structured today makes people feel selfish for needed self care?