Some context;
I started working with the Dutch Red Cross in early August and Im enjoying the work environment alot. However, Ive started this job coming out of a long and hard burnout of nearly 2 years. During which I had a long legal struggle going on against my previous employer (of what I always thought as being my dream job, which I studied and worked for to reach) who tried to kick me out (based on false rumours), regardless of my mental/health state. It took a big toll of me, my health and my trust in other humans. Eventually I won the legal fight against my old job, had my name restored from all the defamation and would receive financial compensation during this fall. Ofcourse, due to the massive trust rift that was caused by this affair, I was unable to go back and work for the organization again. I spend a few months in a reintegration track, during which my best friend of 23 years died after a 3 year struggle with brain cancer (still mourning her really *sniff), spend some time volenteering for Ukraine (by driving refugees and organizing food transports) and then went fulltime, as stated, to work with the Red Cross.
Im now 2 months into my new job and my manager + senior (who is training me) both told me they have a feeling I am not yet up to the role I am filling (granted, its a lot of work and responsibility and I can actually feel the stress every now and then already, despite enjoying it) and wonder if I am yet fully recovered. My senior going as far as stating that she cant trust in me being able to handle all the aspects of my job. This actually triggered a big panic attack in me, mostly consisting of old fear and pain from the time of burnout. It touched closely on my 'fear to fail' and it took me a week to get back down to my normal mindset again, during which I suddenly felt very mournfull for my old friend. There is certainly a lot of old pain/emotion left.
This leads me to my current position. Tomorrow my manager wants a decision whether I will stay in my function, with the requirement of being able to master my job within 6 months without too much trouble of the emotions from my burnout (I cannot agree to this, since trauma wont stop after x months). Or I should go and talk with HR to see what the other options are. My manager wishes me to choose the second option, that much is clear. I feel exploring another job within the organization, together with HR, wouldnt be too bad. However in the meantime my old job transferred all the money they still owed me (over 6k on top of my savings).
Now Im sitting here with a large bag of money, which would finally allow me to travel Scandinavia or see a lot of historical sights in Greece. Spending time on myself, which I neglected to do after my burnout. I went from a long legal fight, a deep depressing mental struggle, right back onto the horse and back into the fray of working life. Now Im struggeling with myself once more. Should I give in to the urge to do something productive again by working in my job, or another one, with the red cross or should I finally follow my heart and take time to heal and work on myself some more. I feel like there is a lot of mourning and depression in my heart and hardly any enjoyment in life anymore :/. Thanks for reading and any advice or words are welcome. :).
TL;DR: I took a new full time job after 2 years of burnout/illness, but am now struggeling whether to take some time off to actually have fun and enjoy life again.