When I say severely ill I mean mentally and physically. I work as a cover guard what means I work multiple different sites throughout the week,and I'm a doormen (what entails it's own problems.) Now,for months I've been on and off with my mental health but it's not been this bad in a while (I do believe it's due to me asking for more hours as I'm wanting to move out of my home city as I've just had enough of city life) but to be honest I've been like this for a while. We have a site we now own security wise in the countryside and I love it due to it being very quiet so I'm able to sort through alot of things mentally and physically down there,but I haven't been down there in a while even when I've asked to be put there permanently,I know why this is because I work well in my city security wise and doormen wise,well the perception anyway (I get told by my boss I do well at work)
Anyway,I was hoping when I took on more hours that my rota would be more straightforward ie no pissing about with emergency shifts,shifts changing ect. That is not the case and it's more backwards. I'm getting more changes more emergency shifts ect,days nights day day night night ect trust me it's not fun when that happens. I feel I take on alot of weight at work as everyone tells me/bitches to me about how shit work is and half the time I agree as our rotas are never on time,our work history never gets updated till the day before payday and it's all due to our boss not wanting to get admin/receptionist to help with all this. We get treared very poorly as cover guards as well,what is annoying when we take the time to learn sites as much as possible.. also I'm constantly what I feel is criticism. I don't smile much,I do at times give blunt answers as I am at times a very blunt person. When I'm happy at work I'm always questioned why I'm happy what makes me just go straight back into a fuck it mood,I just go fuck it no point in being happy then as I'm being critised for being happy (it's never a oh you're happy today it's always a what got you happy at work.. it's not nice). I feel as if I put in alot of effort to change myself and others just go eh why you bothering? Ik I have/had alot to change but I've come along way from last year.
There's alot more that goes into this but it's just killing me. I've tried coming off my antidepressants recently as I was at a very good spot with work to be able to and that's gone backwards and I'm now back on them,I'm waking up each morning feeling like death not wanting to do anything except shut myself away till work and then an hour before work I'm just thinking of what I could do to not go. It's horrid and I'm hating this feeling.
I'm happy to go into more details if need be,please feel free to ask me any questions