IDK if this is the right place to post, but I feel like I am trapped. I am only surviving on benefits and bare bones insurance (I don't want give up my insurance despite it being shitty because without it, I can't transition or even survive without it), I only worked 3 jobs in my life and already felt like I made a mistake. Ever since I came out a year ago, being in the closet from when I was 16 until a year ago (I am 31 now), surviving a neglectful, ableist and transphobic family, surviving homelessness, and being housed and being on HRT and having everything figured out in my life, I feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in almost every job I was in (I worked at Chipotle pre-HRT with little to no way to cope with the fast pace and uncaring aspect of job while being stared at and being borderline harassed by customers and was fired because I came in “ill” one day despite stating that I take HBP medication and t blockers and having to walk to work when I missed a bus on an empty stomach. My second job being much better in comparison, but it was so unwelcoming and uncomfortable upon leaving my textile position to tag missing tags on clothing and being told I was “delusional and I needed to be healed by prayer” by a customer before even clocking in and management doing nothing. I quit that job of 8 months. This was at a goodwill. And my current job is temporary and seasonal and I don't want to work at a front position anymore, so distribution it is at a mall Gamestop. Still felt uncomfortable and unwelcome.). I feel like the problem is with me and my lack of resilience and it's just so goddamn hard. I feel like any advice from my friends and my partner fall on deaf ears on my end because I don't want to hear it anymore. I wish I wasn't forced to work and survive in a society that would rather see me gone or dead or be stuck in a poverty trap and being held hostage by my insurance and benefits. Without it, I won't survive because I can't bear looking like and feel like something I am not, to the point I don't want to live with it anymore. And I feel like not even death would save me because they would bury me in my deadname if it happened.
I am so sorry for dumping all of this, I just don't want to deal with the pain anymore and be forced to feel and think a way I know it's untrue and wrong.
Tl;dr I hate how my life had turned out and a job isn't an answer to survive anymore.