I know I sound like a shitty person for saying this, but I regret having my son. I don't regret the experiences that I've had and will continue to have with him. I regret bringing him into the world at such a fucked time. I was young and in love with my partner and had this mentality of “I'll overcome my severe social anxiety and become a productive member of society for my kid's sake.” Here I am, two and half years later, 21 years old and mentally worse off than what I was. Still no job or will to do anything. My boyfriend makes 13 an hour and we barely get by on that. We are lucky to live in a semi cheap city, although our rent just got raised by 30 dollars per month for whatever the fuck reason. I've had mental health issues for as long as I can remember. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me other than I can't function like a normal human being is “supposed to.” I constantly stayed home from school and was sent to group homes for being truant because I couldn't stand being at school and around other people. I never got help for it, go figure living in a small ass speck of a town. I was just told “you need to go to school, you'll regret it if you don't finish.” I moved to a big city with my boyfriend when I turned 18 and got my GED, but that still gave me no fucking drive to do anything. The thought of spending 40 hours of my week doing garbage work for shit pay makes me want to blow my brains out. Even if I did get a job there's no way we could afford daycare and I was told that if I wanted to get childcare assistance that I would have to file child support against my boyfriend because we aren't married. Like what the fuck? Every fucking day I don't do anything I feel like I'm failing my son and partner. My partner doesn't mind and wants me to stay home. He's trying to find a better job but there's just no luck with it because no one wants to pay more than 13 an hour unless you have a college degree and years of experience it seems. I'm losing my mind. I'm just never going to be a productive member of society. I feel like a complete waste of existence. All I enjoy doing is spending time with my son and playing video games. Watching this little guy grow is one of the only things keeping me going anymore. The only thing ruining it is the fact that I've doomed an innocent child to a life of uncertainty. I'm so sorry. Unless you've made it, don't have kids. The world just doesn't work for people like me. Years ago I would have been able to be the stay at home wife and we would be living in our own home right now. It's just not fair. I didn't choose to be this way. I tried working at taco bell once and had a panic attack the first day because a manager yelled at me. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I've become a nicotine addict as a coping mechanism and I can't even get over that now. I hate myself. I hate this world. I'm sorry for this mess of a rant. My mind is scrambled at the moment.