I originally posted it on a throwaway and was told to post to this sub as well. I debated for a while, even to post, because I was (still am) so ashamed and embarrassed by my actions.
Honestly I did better financially wise when I made barely above minimum wage. SNAP, Medicaid, WIC, daycare assistance. I was able to afford groceries more, not have to worry about taking my daughter to the pediatrician for her routine shots. Yeah it sucked ass making $9.75 an hour but at least I didn't have to worry about either of us going hungry. Now, I make $15.25 an hour, and my SNAP and Medicaid were cut off because I make “too much”. The only thing I still get is WIC and daycare assistance but that has been drastically reduced. According to my case worker, I should “make enough” to cover rent, electric, water, gas, trash, the list goes on and on. But I don't. I regularly have to juggle which utility can be paid, which can be put off, I have to calculate groceries down to the penny. I skip meals very often to make sure my 15 month old can eat. She's also teething and cranky as hell. Waking up 5-6 times per night because her teeth are bothering her. Her sperm donor pays $50 a month in child support, because he doesn't work (or if he does its under the table stuff paying straight cash) so he is not required by our state to pay any more than that. Before anyone asks, I was a dumb 20 year old thinking I was in love. I was on birth control but he refused to wear a condom, I ended up pregnant and he refused to have anything to do with me/us. Had to do a paternity test and everything because he swore up and down she wasn't his. He's only met her twice and doesn't even try to attempt to see her. His loss.
Yesterday was my day off. I thought hell yeah, I can get laundry done (our apartment doesn't have in unit washer and dryers so yay laundry mat!) but then daycare called and said baby girl was running a temperature of 100.8 and had a runny nose. Gotta come pick her up, no exceptions. Well, fuck, there goes my day. Pick up kiddo, she's obviously in pain. Her cheeks are bright red, she's chewing on her fingers, daycare staff said she refused to nap and has been cry-screaming on and off. They need a note from her pediatrician for her to come back. Off to the pediatrician office we go.
Pediatrician says its just teething. Rotate tylenol and ibuprofen every 4 hours. It's my day off so I really wasn't expecting to spend money I don't have (next pay day is the 1st when all of the bills are due so I was literally going to just…count change and survive off what we have in our kitchen, take her to daycare and back and forth to work. That's it) (and this was before I knew I could ask the pediatrician for medication samples. I had no idea that was even a thing)
I know I am not alone in the plight of literally scraping by until pay day. I have less than ten bucks to my name. Took the screaming baby to walmart, and all they had in stock was the Motrin brand which is nearly $9. In a moment of desperation, I put it in the top part of the cart where my daughter was sitting and put my purse over it and just walked out.
I still feel so fucking guilty. My stomach hurts every time I think about it. I know walmart isn't hurting over some infant motrin but the last time I stole something it was some fake costume jewelry from the mall when I was 15. I'm 22 now. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm terrified to get arrested next time I go to fucking walmart. I'm terrified I'm going to have to do this again because I have no other way to make ends meet. To keep my kid from being in pain while she cuts these god damn molars. I just need the universe to give me a break. I keep the apartment at 66 degrees to keep the electric costs down, I dress my 15 month old in layers. I shower maybe twice a week to keep the water bill cost down low. I can't remember the last time I filled my car to a full tank because gas prices are still $3.99 per gallon here.
I don't expect support from this. I know I fucked up. I know how bad this is and how shitty of a mother I am to do this. When I originally posted on a throwaway, I received a few hateful messages because it was wromg what I did.. At least my daughter wasn't screaming in pain anymore.
Everything just sucks. I don't want to be in this position anymore. Things have got to get better, right?