I am a mental health therapist in a MAT Suboxone clinic so the irony of this is not lost on me, but over the past week or two I’ve hit a wall mentally with my work. It’s incredibly grueling/demoralizing work in a very depressed rural area. I’m completely burned out and have no PTO remaining until August (we only get 10 days PTO per year flat – no sick days or anything else and the bare minimum of holidays).
I’m only 29 but last month got shingles, likely due to stress, and worked through that except for one day where the pain was too great. I also just had to cancel a vacation planned for May with my brother (first one we would’ve had in probably 10 years) because no PTO left. I think having to give up on that trip pushed me over the edge mentally. I haven’t had a moment of fun or relaxation in over two years.
Yesterday morning at work before I’d seen any clients I had a full blown panic attack, thought I was going to pass out it was so bad. I had to leave work. Then this morning as I was getting ready to walk out the door I had another and had to call off again. I told my boss what was happening and that I intend to get medication to manage it today and be in tomorrow but I’m so paranoid it’ll happen again in the morning. He just said “ok you’ll get through it, we’ll talk about it tomorrow”. I feel totally trapped and defeated. It’s triggered thoughts of self-harm.
I need to stay at this job until summer to officially get my license. And on top of that I know I “should” stay at at least a few months longer (I was thinking until December) so that it doesn’t look like I just dipped out the second I got my license from the company. I don’t want to burn a bridge because this is my first job in this career.
I guess this is just a rant to vent, but does anyone have experience walking themselves back from a panic attack cycle so that it doesn’t implode their lives? It’s only been a couple of days but I’m so embarrassed and upset about it that it’s just perpetuating the issue. I so wish I could just quit now but I know I can’t even though I have savings and live at home. I’m worried I’m self-sabotaging but I can’t seem to control it.