I should start off that I used to be a truck driver. This was many years ago but everyone I tell the story to just loves it. TLDR at the end.
I worked long hours away from family. I almost never got my requested home time approved therefore I'd be out for weeks if not months before I was able to get home. I would come home if I ran out of time and I was close enough to get picked up by someone and just leave my truck wherever I was.
Well, lo and behold I developed something called a pilonidal cyst, directly on my tailbone in my early adult years. It essentially fills up with blood and pus, and then will burst. But in between that there is a lot of pain to experience. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand upright, and I couldn't lay down unless I was on my stomach. And absolutely no pressure. I had to have my draws sag down below it otherwise I'd be in intense pain. Pants were a no no.
Anyways, during one of my little excursions home, my cyst started to develop. It would usually last 4 or 5 days but the first day is tolerable. I texted my boss that there is about a 99% chance I won't be coming back in until this cyst bursts. He was ok with that.
Until an emergency arised that somehow was my problem. There was a load that needed to get to Laredo, TX like, yesterday. My boss calls me and I answer to see what's up. He can hear me playing Call of Duty (Modern Warfare 3 to show you how long ago it was). He mentions that since I'm not doing anything that if I could come take this load down to Texas. I was laying on my stomach playing games as that was the only way I could get comfortable. Then, my asshole cat jumps on my bed. But I replied to my boss saying that I couldn't as I was in too much pain to even get up and I only got up if I needed to. And that when I do walk, I have to be at almost a 90 degree angle just to not be in as much pain.
Going back to my cat, this fucker decides she wanted to lay on me. She normally would lay on my back, but she took the long way and stepped DIRECTLY onto my cyst, with her claws out.
Yeah.
I about jumped out of my skin as that hurt so goddamn bad. Getting kicked in the nuts doesn't hurt anywhere as much as sharp pressure on a pilonidal cyst. I felt bad for my cat (sorry Midnight) as she got flung due to my extreme reaction.
My boss said I was faking and that I better get a doctor's note stating that I was in no condition to work. I told him I'll see what I can do since being in a vehicle wasn't a option.
I did him one better.
I called up my girlfriend at the time (now wife) and I had her write “I QUIT” right across my butt cheeks in Sharpie marker. Then I had her take a pic with the red, swollen cyst with my little message. Then sent it to my boss with the caption “Doc was on vacation and now I am too”.
I wish I could have seen his face when he saw that. But other drivers that I sorta knew were calling me and texting me laughing their asses off. Even the office ladies were texting me. Apparently, my boss had a meltdown because he couldn't get anyone to take this load and if it didn't get to Texas on time, he would lose the contract since we had all sorts of service failures due to him promising unrealistic delivery times and wanting us to fudge our log books which is highly illegal. This was before everything was electronic. Needless to say he was fired.
But I got to relax and recover even if about 15 people saw my ass. Fuck you Gary. I hope Walmart pays you enough.
Also, I haven't had a cyst flare up in about 5 years. Yay!
TLDR: My boss thought I was faking having a cyst to get out of work, I sent him a pic of my ass with the words “I QUIT” written on it.