This is going to be a long vent post, but I might as well explain my situation:
I'm 27 years old, I live with my parents, and can't really see a future. I used to think I was suffering from depression for many years (I did get an official diagnosis about 5 years ago) but now I'm starting to think that there isn't really anything wrong with me at all. I did not choose to become an embittered, shut-in and a loser. I feel like the world has made me this way.
I completed a Bachelor's degree at University in August 2018 (I majored in Classics [Greek and Latin). To be honest though, while my parents were amazed and overjoyed by my accomplishment, to me–it just drained me out of all my energy and sent me down on that downward spiral.
I absolutely hated University. It was simply too chaotic an environment for me to settle in. I never made a lot of friends–firstly because I had a tendency to forget peoples' names rather quickly, and second, almost all my dorm room buddies were isolated in their rooms (like I was). They would leave the campus to go back home with their families that very same weekend, and very soon after, I began doing the exact same thing.
University was supposed to be a 'rite of passage' into adulthood for all of us–you've seen dramas like Skins or The Inbetweeners, or American Pie; I know I'm generalizing a bit since none of these take place specifically at Universities but you understand what I mean.
I was always sold this idea that University was the place where you could find your own crowd, meet friends who would stay with you for life, and even find your partner, and get laid for the first time.
My experience was not like that at all.
Even now, I can't think of a single positive memory associated with being there. All the friends I made either graduated and disappeared off the face of the earth (some were exchange students who returned back to their home country so I never really saw them again), but many of them really never spoke to me unless I spoke to them first.
My mum and dad raised me to be as overtly social as possible-warning me constantly 'If you don't smile at people, and master the art of small talk, you won't make any friends'… I feel like I tried the best I could; but my efforts just weren't reciprocated.
I never warmed to the Uni student lifestyle–getting drunk so casually, going out clubbing and hooking up–I just found myself allergic to it. People invited me to clubs and all, but in the end, I just made excuses about staying in my room and 'studying'.
Except in reality, I never did study. I just simply went on Facebook, and Youtube, and Reddit. That's pretty much my entire University history in a nutshell. Procrastinating endlessly.
Classes were… quiet. And awkward. I tried the best I could to engage and actively participate in each lesson we had in translating Ovid's Amores and Pindar's Paeans, to show I was trying my hardest, but on the inside, every single detail that was taught just flew through my head. Early on in my time there I was faced with an uncomfortable reality of my situation–I was not a good student. I had zero interest in what I was studying, and by now it was clear to me that the only incentive for me to not flunk my studies there and then was purely because of a.) – the supposed benefits my degree would grant me, and b.) – My mum and dad would be deeply ashamed of me, as would my older sister, who had successfully graduated.
The other students. To be honest, I think they must have been good at communicating telepathically–because none of them spoke a word to each other, or myself unless I tried breaking the ice first. But here's the thing–every single one of them had done their prep work already, they eagerly took notes, and for all their outward reticence and unsociable nature, they seemed interested in the subject and didn't appear to be losing their will to live on the inside.
So pretty much early on in my year, I felt like an impostor who simply didn't belong there.
Anyway, fast forward 6 years late:
I did get my degree eventually and produced a mediocre dissertation on the works of Aristophanes, the Greek playwright, which got me a 2:2. My parents, everyone they know were all very proud of me.
Except…I feel like my degree has cost me absolutely everything.
Before I went to University, I had so many dreams, so many ambitions, and a sense of pride (you could argue was misplaced) that I could be anything I wanted and do anything I wanted. I thought that going to University was an experience that would make me 'grow up' and turn into a man.
But instead, the opposite happened. Instead of scrambling for a high-paid job and looking to leave the house, I ended up working low-paid wage jobs–first in MacDonald's, then a local pub, then as a Warehouse packer.
People might ask–why did I choose 'Classics' as a Major? What practical purposes could a subject like that serve me? Why didn't I choose Engineering or Maths instead?
Some would say that Classics is not a useful degree at all and only for those who simply have a deep passion for the subject and who wish to pursue a degree in teaching, or perhaps become a museum curator. There are many famous individuals who have studied the subject at University, such as Boris Johnson, J.K Rowling, and even Chris Martin, so it does kind of have a sense of prestige by the association which no-one can deny. I've seen others say that it's a worthless subject–a dead language, functionally useless in this vibrant changing economy–no practical, useful skills whatsoever.
And then there are those who claim that it is easy, and I'm making a big fuss over nothing. To such people, I say: good for you, I guess.
Whatever the case may be, I think what can't be denied is that potentially, there are jobs available (skilled jobs) that you can have, if you take an interest in them, and chase them down at the nearest opportunity. I mean things like 'internships/creating a LinkedIn profile', further education, stuff like that. But… I had already decided I didn't want to go down that road because I already felt completely and utterly drained of all my energy and aspirations.
If the job I wanted was going to be anything remotely similar to what I endured at University, then fuck that. It's just not for me. Why risk it? So I spent the next five years with the mindset that as long as I worked hard, and stayed optimistic, eventually, something would happen to me that would help me re-awaken and set me down a straight path to a career that I would love and sacrifice everything for.
But… that never happened. In the years since I graduated, I have not accomplished anything. I travelled to Canada and lived there for a year, which was fun, and it gave me a sense of the independence that I craved so much, but…then corona happened and I had to fly back. Pretty much all I have now is my Youtube Channel which has slowly grown over the years, and is the only thing I would really call something I work hard at.
Pretty much all I've been doing all the while is working minimum-wage, low skilled jobs, all because I've chosen to. Except…that doesn't feel quite right. I feel like I have never had a choice in anything I've ever done because all my options were bad and I just had to pick the least shitty one.
I feel like modern culture/modern life is just too much for me. You have to bottle up every single negative feeling and sense of worthlessness you have on the inside and gear yourself for a theoretical future that is never certain. You have to tolerate being surrounded by people who are completely utterly different from you, and be used to being treated like a stranger. You have to pretend to want things that you don't actually want. You have to notice things that you can't.
Every single thing that interests you, you have to abandon it and ignore it, if it doesn't help pay the bills. In this world of endless distractions, entertainment, and different kinds of food, you have to ignore all of them and stay true to your vision of finding your dream career.
You have to accept the fact that everyone around you is more functional, more happy, more suited to their role, and have less questions than you do.
Even now, I am nearly 30K in debt, but that's not really the biggest worry I have on my mind. It's that, while theoretically, I could tolerate working shitty jobs for the rest of my life if only I had the iron will to forgo every single craving I had for pleasure and amusement to distract myself from how shitty my life is, realistically, that's just not an option. My parents have told me they don't necessarily mind me living with them and that they love me and care about me, etc, but even now, I know that I never intended to end up like this. I am not depressed, I am just tired…Everything feels out of my reach. I tried my best and it's still not enough. Nothing is.
I am not unintelligent. I have good social skills. I have a clean criminal record. I've never tried any drugs (other than alcohol). For the most part, I am a very functional human being, and I have a wide range of interests–it's just that I can't profit from any of them and turn them into a career. At the very least, I finished Sixth Form, and to my own surprise, actually managed to *get* a degree. I had my own demons eating away at me the entire time–I was in doubt for most of my journey in terms of whether any of this would be worth it, etc, but I still made it… and it's like–even though I survived and made it this far, none of it is good enough.
I broke up with my first (and probably last) long-term relationship a while ago, and even now, I cannot concentrate on my current job, because I still think about her even now. I should be over it–it ended 6 months ago. I tried so hard to banish these thoughts of regret and self-hate but they just keep coming back over and over again. I think about her constantly, I think about how special she made me feel, and I'm angry that she clearly does not need me in her life anymore.
Nowadays, I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about her, because firstly, all my ventee friends are already tired of me talking about it–they all feel that I said all I needed to months ago when I ended it with her, and second, my Mum and Dad think that it's all just a passing phase that will disappear when I've found that 'job that you love'. Which is… great, I suppose, but… what do I do UNTIL then? How do I stop having these thoughts and just shut off and become on autopilot mode? Heck–if I'd figured out a way of doing that many years ago, I would never be in this position!
One thing about modern life I have noticed is how (and this is especially true of Britain, not sure of anywhere else) when people (strangers) come up to you and ask 'How are you today?', you are expected to respond with: 'I'm fine.', and you can't say what you're really feeling on the inside, which is 'Completely terrible, like yesterday, and the day before that, but I really haven't got the energy for this conversation, so I'll just tell you I'm fine so you'll stop asking.'
Modern life just teaches us we have to lie to each other and to ourselves. We have to pretend that this whole goddamn world isn't driving us crazy. Other people have better jobs than you, because they are smarter and work harder, and they don't keep having these obtrusive thoughts you keep having, and deep down you know they deserve it, and meanwhile–we're supposed to pretend that this does not in any way drive us insane. To quote Joker, society would rather we just suffer on the inside, and take it, and not 'go werewolf' and wild, and rebel against this completely broken economic system that makes us all hate ourselves if we can't game the system to our advantage. Because our woes are just an inconvenience to them. Nobody cares that we were not designed to live in a terrible world like this–we were not designed to compete against and isolate ourselves from each other, and yet the very nature of our world does exactly that.
I think the most harmful lie about our modern age however, is that how it presupposes that anyone can make it and get rich–as long as you work hard, and keep working hard. The idea that we're all equal, we're all smart enough to get through university if we try hard enough, the idea that we are simply creatures who need money, and food and a place to rent.
The basic idea that we are all equal, money, wealth and success is waiting for you, as long as you work hard at it…the great lie that help set Neoliberal Capitalism in motion.
The lie that, the competitive nature of the jobs market doesn't mean you have to be cutthroat and ruthless and worship your job and career at the expense of everything else.
The lie that, you can just be yourself, and you don't have to be brazenly narcissistic and shout your wares/promote your own business all the time in order to get noticed.
The lie that because we are materially far better off than we were 100 years ago, we have zero reasons to complain about our lives since we already have everything we could possibly need, and if we do complain, we're just pathetic do-nothings and ungrateful for out lot in life.
The lie that the jobs market has not in any way changed to how it was 40 years ago when the boomers generation was around.
The lie that life is just good and you've got to 'live life to the fullest.'
(I actually want to track down whoever came up with that saying, and strangle him, telling him to 'die death to the fullest'.)
You hear those boomers complain about how Millenials are too soft, they've never worked a day in their lives–they're too feeble-minded, they want safe spaces, they don't work as hard. I guess, maybe if I were living in a different time where I was comfortably well-off, and had a family and a car, etc, maybe even a pension too, then I could imagine myself thinking like this.
I think what many fail to realise though, is that this world we grew up in is different to the ones they remember. In their time, it was easier to make a living–Tuition fees were much lower, there was less of a push to get younger people into University and set in motion the great social mobility that would result in a surplus of overqualified applicants, resulting in more and more qualifications needed for each one, and an imbalance in the jobs market.
I am a complete mess right now. I haven't got the energy to go to University again or train for a professional trade. (I'm ineligible for a government grant anyway). I'm absolutely convinced that there is no job on earth that would make me feel at all happy–the stories I've seen here have only further convinced me of that.
I'm not a socialist or a Marxist. I'm just a normal person who can not survive in a world like this–I've had enough. Society made me into a shut-in.
This world sucks.
TL;DR – Life fucking sucks. Tell Putin he needs to nuke the world into oblivion.