Context, 5 months or so ago, I started working. I live in the Netherlands so we have all kinds of protections in place that most of you in the US don't have. You guys got it way worse than me and that makes me feel even more like a whiny bitch than I do. Sincerely I don't know how you guys do it.
I'm feeling fucking horrible about my job. It constantly fills me with dread. I sit behind a screen 40 hours every week doing administration work in finance. I feel like my life has lost all meaning. I used to teach history and it wasn't all good, I taught at multiple schools and the school really defines the job, but at least I was accomplishing something there. Now, I spent 40 hours making 2,2K, again I know a lot of you work harder for less, but I still feel like this.
40 hours is so much, the work alternates between being boring/repetitive or being so hard to do it frustrates the fuck out of me and slows everything down. And the further it slows down, the more I think about how this is getting to me.
I'm trying to get a different job, but that has proven difficult, I have a master's degree in history as well as a bilingual teaching degree, yet most companies or government agencies do not return my letters and schools don't seem to have vacancies. I have tried every type of letter and format, but nothing seems to stick.
It feels like I'm doing this just to be able to pay bills and because it is expected to have a job. I was resolved to not let my job make me unhappy. And yet, I was a happy man 5 months ago, I'm not anymore. I don't understand, I don't mind working, have even done it with some pleasure in the past, but the prospect of doing this another 50 years makes me sad as hell.
I feel like I've been put in a box, or maybe I put myself in it?, and now I can't get out. Every time I try to take initiative at this job I get shit for it. When I finish a massive amount of work that eclipses the workload of some of my colleagues I barely get a thank you for it, or just more work. I have given all that up, I now work at a fraction of my speed, taking frequent hour long breaks, since nobody seems to notice or care if I do my work or not.
I thought I was a smart guy with a positive attitude, willing to throw down and immerse myself in work. Now, I just feel stupid, fervently wishing I good go back to my books and classes with students, that never left me feeling empty and purposeless.
Tldr: 40 hours suck, my job never lets me use my brain, I'm starting to feel like a lesser version of myself.