So I have to do what's right for me. I can't work, period. So I'm bound to the same thing every day until the day I die. Which is also depressing and disheartening. I'm between a rock and a hard place and I don't see a way out.
I tried shopping for health insurance online but everywhere I go I just get the run around, I can't seem to actually sign up for any coverage because every time I get close, it redirects me to the same handful of choices to pick from. I go through any of them, do the questionnaire, get redirected back to where I started. I tried 4 different times.
I can't lose my therapist, she's my only support right now. I can't lose my medications, they've actually helped. But after this painful journey, I've been trying to get myself to show up to interviews, going through orientation and showing up on the first day of work. The past year has built up to this hint mirage of progress that I built for myself. To pretend like things could get better, that I deserved better.
But I can't do it. I stand to lose too much and that just cannot happen. So I'm screwed! Doesn't matter which way I go because I'm shooting myself in one way or another! There is no choice!
I already missed the bus I needed to catch to get to work on time so there's no more point in continuing this. I'm sorry. If I would've gone, I'd lose all that work, all that effort gone but since I didn't go, what good is any of it? I'm still left here, being stuck in the same miserable cycle, the same garbage dump of an apartment, the same day to day life. Nothing has changed. None of that work was good for anything because I can't use it to get outside of myself.
I don't understand why I'm here! What was the fucking point of all this? Just so I could watch everything I've ever wanted being ripped away from me at every turn! Jobs, children, possessions, relationships, everything ripped away, my childhood, everything.
At what point is it good enough for me to just give up? God I hope somebody reads this. I'm in a really low place right now and I don't believe there's a way out. I'm so very sorry
Edit: to make it clear, if I would've kept this job I would've lost my food stamps, my SSI and my medicaid. I could stand to lose the SSI and food stamps but I can't lose my medicaid because I'd lose my therapist and my medications. Wendy's offers health insurance but it won't cover my therapy nor my meds. So as badly as I want to, I can't take the job. I can't take any job. Which means no new apartment, no car, no going camping nor fishing, none of the things I used to fuel my motivation can come to fruition because all of that stops once I lose this job or I lose my therapist. I could still show up on Thursday to work bit I would lose everything. I don't know what to do anymore. This whole entire struggle over the last year was pointless if I can't get myself to go to work, but if I lose my therapist and my medications… I fear I'd fall right back down into a deep depression. I'm not well enough to face the world on my own.