I helped decide who would be laid off. For weeks I did my best to prepare everyone to have a backup plan, that the main part of our project was over and not everyone would stay on, but I think only a few did so. But I did wait to tell them until my boss gave the go ahead. I knew a couple weeks beforehand and I didn't tell anyone – I hinted, but I didn't say. We didn't give them any notice. They won't qualify for unemployment and they lost their PTO. The company was going to send emails to everyone, so I tried to call everyone first so they'd at least have someone to talk to. I can't stop thinking about them. I'm having a hard time functioning.
I'm bringing this here because I've been antiwork for years, yet I just did what I was told. I'm dead inside. I just wanted to be one of the people who kept their job. I don't want to lose my health insurance. I bought a car for this job. I need to pay my mortgage, if I lose my house I would never be able to aford today's rents. I don't think I can find a job that pays as much. I don't want to have to work at Amazon. I convinced myself that this job was different because it has a higher purpose (involved with healthcare). The ironic part is that I will probably lose this job because I can't function and someone else could have kept there's. If I could go back, I would hope that I would have told everyone what was coming, that they'd lose their PTO that they saved up, that they wouldn't qualify for unemployment. I should have just let it all fall apart. I don't think I can forgive myself for this.