I don't like working, but this job has me work 3 twelves a week and I'll take it. i don't feel qualified for the job, management know's i'm not qualified (i think) but they hired me anyways. the people who work there who have a lot more experience and because I'm an assistant of sorts, I feel like i am letting them down constantly by not knowing terminology. It's so stressful, and I don't think i can keep up or ever learn adequately enough to be real help to the people im supposed to be assisting.
Also, management didnt pay me for my working interview hours today even though they said the would. They are now telling me I will get the check tomorrow after lunch.
i had a full on ptsd attack at work the other day when a coworker invaded my physical space by grabbing my hand. it was extremely embarrassing for me and i feel like i made the person who was training me extremely awkward. I'm now going down a downward spiral and im lowkey, highkey? depressed and my suicidal ideation is up. relapsed for the first time in 4 years today.
its just disappointment after disappointment right now, and everything feels like its piling on. I'm afraid something really bad is going to happen that will cause me to go over the edge, like a getting in a car crash or getting a car ticket.
i can hear my partner laughing in the other room. i dont understand how anyone can be happy with the way things are. I don't know how to keep going. I just want to disappear before my next shift.