I'm 28 years old and i worked in the professional child-care sector when i got my first stress-induced burnout 4 years ago. During these 4 years i was pushed by employers and government-unemployment agents to work on a hasty recovery and get back ASAP to work, every time going full cycle into a new burn-out. Last august i've had my 4th burnout and it was/is the worst one yet.
Doctor says i have permanent brain damage. He compared it to his elderly mom's stroke. Looking at my 68 year old father who suffered a stroke 4 years ago, that was a striking comparison. My dad can currently withstand more external stimulations and pressure than i can.
I went to a party last night at 8pm and had to leave after 1 hour because i was overwhelmed with stimuli and started feeling dizzy and nauseaus and got a headache. Every morning when i wake up it feels like i'm instantly thrown into a rollercoaster. Then during the ride someone gives me bad news and a bunch of math problems for me to solve before the end of the ride, or i'll fail something. This is how every day feels to me. It's fucking exhausting and depressing. I've contemplated killing myself as i felt worthless to the world, but my friends and family (bless their souls) reassured me that i don't have to work to add something to this world, my personality, humor, wit, etc. is enough.
I used to love travelling, i used to work hard and save up money for a few years then go about for a couple months to discover new people and places. I haven't been able to save up nearly as much money, and now that im getting close to an amount that would allow a small vacation, i'm really dreading travelling again. What once seemed adventurous and exciting now just seems extremely stressful and exhausting.
This condition is like a double edged sword to me. It has severely handicapped my ability to do things in life. But at the same time it's given me a free pass to never have to work again for my survival. I feel like i got a get-out-of-jail-free card but everyone my age is still in jail for another 40 years and will probably grow to hate me for 'finding a way out', which makes me feel guilty but also resent them, because most of them don't realise how serious my condition is. Why do i even care?
Sometimes i wish i had gotten cancer instead. At least then everyone's rooting for you. Now people are often not very understanding, treating me like i'm just too lazy or whatever.
I wrote this to get it off my chest but also to warn others. Listen to your body. Don't push yourself to withstand stress for long periods, it can and WILL cause permanent damage to your brain. Don't become handicapped for some employer who will replace you without second thought.