I’m a suicidal non-combat disabled veteran, and from my experience, help isn’t out there. Those who have the ability and authority to provide the necessary help aren’t the psychologists, social workers, state or federal job agencies, or ER physicians.
Though frequently well intentioned, these individuals and the institutions they work for don’t have the means to address the ramifications of the failed “American dream,” and the existential, fiscal, and social crisis it causes.
I’m in my early 40s now. I was in the boy scouts, regularly in the top three scores throughout primary school, made a conscious effort to be a law abiding citizen, finished three degrees and am working on a fourth, worked hard, served briefly though honorably in the USAF, I strive to practice kindness, and I’ve made a significant effort to do work that benefitted those around me. I was raised in public schools being told that these sorts of behaviors would ensure, at the very least, a middle class lifestyle, marriage, 2.5 kids, home ownership, meaningful social ties and status, and a comfortable retirement.
Except none of this has ever happened.
Instead, in an era where a reasonable living wage of 20 years ago would have been $15 and hour, the most I’ve made is around $16, and only in the last few years. To get that, I had to sacrifice what little support network I had and move to remote and socially isolating rural Missouri, and be able to drop some names to even get that. Sadly, this has been the best job a I've had by many metrics, at least in the beginning / before significant staffing cuts.
Unfortunately, no social worker, headshrink, or dumbfounded ER nurse has been able to do anything to get me out of toxic exploitative workplaces that have proven to be the norm. I’ve mistakenly hoped that as I obtained degrees, my expertise would be respected and work in related fields more easily obtained, but that too was another myth I was sold. Instead, subjects I have 20+ years of education, research, and knowledge in are ignored by people who maybe took an intro course in their freshman year of undergrad, and they sure as hell don’t want to pay me for the knowledge or skills I offer to contribute.
After twenty years, it’s become extremely difficult to self-motivate into writing yet another customized resume and cover letter that goes ignored. Working for free gave experience and promises of work that never came to fruition. The notion of “work / life balance” increasingly seems like a myth, only obtainable by trust fund kids.
Having an extremely high IQ has allowed me to see patterns and make connections easily that often seem difficult for others, but has often been alienating and a hindrance to forming and maintaining social ties. It has also helped me be aware of how, in spite of my privileges, I’ve not been able to escape the lower class and toxic workplaces… and that it’s even worse for those who don’t share my privileges.
Unfortunately, my inability to secure work that I was able to do well and be fairly compensated for has interfered with all other aspects of obtaining the “American dream.” It’s difficult to obtain a partner and almost impossible to ensure quality of life for raising children without well paying work. If not for my modest veteran’s disability checks, I would have been homeless or living in true poverty rather than merely being “poor.” This is not going to attract any potential mates.
Further; anxiety, depression, and focus issues are difficult to live with or around. A regular sleep schedule is something that’s seemed fictional. The pervasive sense of failure in obtaining a career, in spite of going above and beyond the social contracts I was presented with as a child, serve as a constant reminder that I am not wanted or valued by society. My efforts to be kind and honest, partially influenced by an upbringing in the church, directly conflict with the winner-take-all mentality necessary to thrive in capitalism.
Most days, getting to sleep and getting out of bed are herculean efforts. Many mornings are a metaphorical climbing of Mount Everest, with an overwhelming fear and sense of shame making any interaction with other humans extremely difficult. I sometimes become “trapped” in a strange not quite fully asleep nightmare, where I am certain I’m awake. They are usually themed around notions such as being late or fear of being tired. Frequently, they are tied to difficult (perhaps traumatic?) aspects of military training and service.
Medications have never done much, other than effect sex drive or how difficult it is to achieve orgasm. My energy levels are consistently low, finding motivation to do anything is difficult, sometimes to the point of personal hygiene being impaired.
Recently, thoughts of suicide have grown increasingly persistent and prevalent, so I requested / kind of demanded time off to get treatment. Despite working for the same federal employer for over three years, I was startled when I found my application for protected medical leave was rejected, a few weeks into a seven week treatment plan of receiving transcranial magnetic stimulation (or TMS, frequently a “last resort” for severe treatment resistant depression). I’m now somewhat unclear as to if my leave request was accepted, but am operating under the assumption that it was (yet another thing to worry about).
My TMS treatments are almost done now, and I’m still dreading returning to a workplace that’s held onto toxic policies for a long time. From experience and numerous personal accounts, it’s incredibly apparent to me that childcare and education in America are both straddled by pervasive toxicity in the workplace, and my efforts to implement any age appropriate materials are almost always rejected.
For example; Even though I have extensive training and experience in media production and IT, I’m not trusted to install or remove software on computers, even though I was hired to work in a technology lab and was required to have college education in computer science.
I’m expected to do STEM programming for middle and high school youth, but am largely limited to premade science projects intended for 8 year olds or materials I can find online. I am disallowed from implementing a frequently requested dungeons & dragons club, in spite of emerging research showing numerous positive applications, especially for adolescents with behavioral challenges. My efforts to promote inquiry based learning (a well studied approach to more effective educational outcomes) fall flat. The numerous regulations are vague, and filled with massive gaps. Media literacy and 21st century skills (two major educational needs for humans identified by the U.N. and numerous national and international educational organizations) aren’t addressed at all. IT policies actively prevent utilization of common tools, and the “free” internet is heavily censored. Employees technically aren’t allowed to use the free Wi-Fi, even though there are only three computers for staff use in the whole building, all of which take minutes to boot up. Thus, if I want to avoid breaking any rules, I’d have to do ALL my planning at home and off the clock (which is, theoretically, also against the rules).
In other words, I’m barred from doing what’s best for the kids in my care, and most of my planning is done off the clock and unpaid.
It’s at that point where I’m just desperate to escape all this misery. Finding a new job has always been a nightmare. Moving to another country to escape our awful system of exploitation seems almost impossible to do legally, unless you have work secured first (my efforts to transfer to Germany have all fallen flat) or are independently wealthy. I can’t keep getting paid less than my high schoolers working in fast food while having my expertise constantly ignored or rejected. I can’t keep trying to better society through implementing proven ideas and concepts, only to be told “no.” I’m tired, and need it to stop, and I’ve been unable to figure out how without being condemned to poverty.
Another veteran at a different building from mine committed suicide last year, and massive turn over is constant in most the other buildings. Mine is mostly filled with older Trump loyalists who've worked there forever, which is a whole other challenge to deal with / depressing.
No fundamental changes have happened in spite of obvious problems, with a centralized location in Texas pushing out all the policies and practices for the entire country.
Many countries with more successful educational and childcare systems have transitioned to a more bottom up model decades ago, where qualifications, compensation, and autonomy are all higher. The U.S. is doggedly sticking to the top down model, even with a more educated employee base than ever before, and it's actively harming our society by denying opportunities and natural inquiry… and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I've considered filing whistle blower complaints or complaining to HR (I've already expressed concerns to my director and their superior with little change), but I'm fairly certain those will have no real impact either other than painting a target on my back.
I've tried most of the things you're “supposed to do” at least twice. Job placement agencies, resume and cover letter writing reviews, interview practices, asking friends and family directly to keep an ear out for jobs, etc. It's largely been an exercise in exhaustion with little to no positive gain.
Any thoughts on how to escape the system of exploitation, preferably without living in poverty, are welcome. I still fantasize about getting rid of most of my material possessions and getting a small camper to explore around, but am pretty sure I'd need to get some remote work for that to be sustainable.