I lost two children to miscarriage, and a daughter to suicide. It is a very difficult thing to think about, even more so to speak about. A woman who I don’t get along with very well suddenly claimed to have had a miscarriage right in front of us at that moment- she did not, of course. She was in very little pain, never had a positive pregnancy test or missed period, refused any medical attention or medication. This triggered a great deal of memories in me, of losing my own children. I was starting to panic, and my vision was going because I was having trouble breathing. Another coworker of mine asked me if I was alright, and told me to take a few minutes in the restroom to breathe, and that she’d cover for me in the meantime. I went to the back and absolutely broke down- I sobbed so hard I had to stuff my shirt in my mouth to silence the noises. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. My entire body was shaking violently. I’m not sure how much time passed with me just on my knees on the bathroom floor, but when I walked back out I put a smile on and tried to pretend nothing happened.
I miss my kids so much. Everything hurts- she just made everything so much worse. I just want to feel like a mother again.