So, I applied for a Junion Narrative Designer position at Crytek for Hunt: Showdown a week ago. Out of all the positions I have scoured and searched and applied for, this is the one I believed I was an absolute shoe-in for. Sure, it’s not Q.A. particularly but it’s a juinor position, I’m super familiar with not inly the game but the elements that make up the game, I’ve written things before in the same vein, I even got to send a portfolio of creative writing that I think really shows my strengths for both writing in general and writing for Hunt specifically. The first red flag probably should’ve been when I sent an email to the recruitment place (where they tell you to to get updates about your application) and I’d even spoken back and forth with the lead narrative designer that would be overseeing applications!
I didn’t get it. I didn’t get an email back making sure they got my application, and only just got an email that I didn’t even make it to interview again. Sure, it’s not too bad, but I don’t think I can stomach it any more. If I was in a more comfortable position, I think I’d admit that It’d be better if I gave up trying to make it into the industry.
I already have a ability set the industry does not care about or really even deem worthy. I’m not good at programming despite trying, I’m okay at art but I can’t compete with actual artists, and most of Q.A. is going the way of digital ad hoc testing anyway,so even my sliver of niche use is disappearing. Sure, I could try to teach myself to make games on my own with unity or unreal but I’m not really good that that stuff, I really need an actual job with money, and frankly I don’t want to to that. I think I’m in a place where I can just say I don’t want to, just like I don’t want to make art and practice anymore because it just makes me hate myself and my work all over again.
The worst part is knowing I can’t even really give up the industry because I didn’t learn anything else that was useful anywhere else, perhaps if I was smarter and better with code I could just do what everyone else did and pivot to making a stupid amount of money in aerospace, but I can’t, because I’m not. Not even retail jobs want to hire me anymore, and we’re living from paycheck to paycheck, and things are only going to get more expensive as prices go up and the loans we had to take start to bear down on us.
I’ll be honest, about two-three weeks ago I had reached the edge, I couldn’t take it any more, the constant rejection and pressure and having life just disintegrate around us over the past few years, and the only reason I pulled back was because someone asked me not to, and because I got stuck in a home depot during a bad storm and tornado warning and it was all too funny not to laugh at.
My tank is empty. I’m not even sure what to do now, because I barely have the wherewithal to interact but this feels like the one place I could say all this, because god forbid I tweet about it and make another recruiter cringe and forget I exist even quicker. Hopefully I’ll get a job at target I applied for, but even if I don’t it doesn’t necessarily feel like it’ll matter.
tldr: Life sucks, and it may not be as hard as it is for some other people, even a golden retriever gamer boy can finally run out