As the title suggests, I don't know how to approach work and deal with my boss after what transpired. I provide quite a bit of context below (paraphrased and direct quoted, although I am hazy on certain parts due to being overwhelmed at the time). Advice from people in similar situations is very welcome.
Firstly, tldr:
Work was going really well, I was ready to ask for a promotion and raise.
I was unsure of my role and expectations on me for a project so I asked for clarification.
My boss misinterpreted my intentions, called me and proceeded to criticize me under the guise of providing feedback for a series of unrelated matters.
I previously liked my job, had good working relationships, and it was all very unexpected – I'm at a loss with how to proceed.
Lots of context:
I was away from the office for work for a week.
I returned back the following week and as a matter of priority, I got across all my projects (including those that had been delegated and continued in my absence).
The following day I realised one had been missed.
This project had not formally been kicked off – we have new systems/processes in place for this, however, this project slipped through.
The assumption was that I was PM (I wrote the proposal, was CC'd in the acceptance, and previously discussed scheduling field work with my boss).
I started to apply the new systems/processes when I noticed in the shared calendar that field work was already scheduled. An office coordinator (OC) was recently hired to oversee these new systems/processes and be aware of who is involved on what projects.
At this point I am just trying to figure out what has gone on because no one has mentioned anything to me (not my boss nor the staff member involved in field work, nor the OC – I assumed the OC knew as much as me).
It's not uncommon for projects to be reassigned a new project manager and I was wondering if this was the case (due to the lack of any communication my way and because the nature of this project).
I messaged my boss in as many words “Am I still PM for this job” because I can see it has been added in the calendar and this wasn't done by me.
My boss said “check with Toby*”.
Made up name for member involved in field work
It was a short and sweet reply but I figured he was busy with reviews and other work so I didn't dwell on it.
I messaged Toby “what's your involvement with this project? I was down to project manage but noticed you are down in the calendar for fieldwork next week”.
Toby replied “Not a lot. I did some field work for it last week after the boss asked and the boss has put me down in the calendar for next week. Would you rather do field work next week”?
I replied to Toby “no I'm not fussed. I'm just trying to figure out what my involvement is. As long as you have capacity and want to please go ahead as planned”.
At this point, I really don't mind who is PM but I'm still not sure if it's me and/or what my involvement needs to be.
I messaged my boss again “I'm still a little confused what my involvement needs to be”. I explained what I'd done (started to implement the new systems/processes and drafted an invoice) before realising “I had been out of the loop” and explained that I was now aware of what Toby had been up to and was scheduled to do. I asked if he wanted me, Toby or himself to PM and said I'd update the OC and systems/processes accordingly. I asked because I thought it would make more logical/practical sense for Toby or maybe even my boss to PM.
My boss rang me later in the afternoon and I this is what I am still struggling to process. It went so badly…
He was immediately accusatory and stated that he “gets the feeling I am put out”, later specifically referencing my use of the phrase “out of the loop”.
I warned him that his statement left me feeling defensive and replied “I am just trying to understand what my involvement needs to be what's expected of me”.
He questioned why I assumed I was PM. I provided my reasoning from above. From what I recall, he said 'if nothing is mentioned then the assumption is that you are'.
(I didn't say so at the time but) I thought this 'assumption' went against what we are trying to achieve with our new systems/processes i.e. everyone within the project team has a clearly assigned and visible role, and knows what's expected from kick off.
He went on to say that I should watch my use of language and not say “out of the loop” because it's my job as PM to find myself in the loop…
I found this another odd thing to say because a) I clearly am across my other projects and b) the point of this conversation was to determine if I even need to find myself in the loop i.e. am I still PM?!
He went on to talk a lot about how my language is very “negative”, he feels like I am “constantly battling him”, how he feels “hounded” by me, how he thinks I speak to him “more like a colleague than an employer” and so much more.
I have thought a lot about these points since and how none of them are easily justified.
For example, when I started at the company nearly two years ago, my boss employed me and one other person full time. Two people at the time were also casual. None of these people remain, however, I understood they left on good terms for other opportunities.
I note this to say that I am now the longest standing employee – we have put on 3 new staff this year and 2 new staff last year (many of which I have helped to onboard and/or train in some way).
Anyway, the precedent was set early on that there wasn't really a heirachy and that work relationships were casual. My boss and I regularly had banter and sent each other memes. He followed me on Instagram and I followed him back. It might be common but I have never had employers on my social media before by choice. He still catches up with certain ex staff and entertains them for dinner.
I don't think he way I have spoken to him has significantly changed. If anything, there are less casual and fun exchanges since the start of the year.
One more example…
My boss made reference to an internal meeting that I previously requested then asked to be postponed (this meeting was meant to be about my role and gauging when/how I could ask for a promotion and raise. I had framed it to him as a 'discussion about project roles' with reference made to a document he previously circulated about roles and responsibilities. At the start of the year, he mentioned I'd soon be officially promoted to PM and get a raise (2 months has come and gone).
When asking to reschedule, I explained that I was keen to get through my workload before going away for the week (to a job 6 hours away from base). He knew this job had been rescheduled (through no fault of my own).
At the time my boss replied “sounds good to be “
During our phone call he did a backflip and said how he considered it to be extremely “disrespectful” of his time and that he would “never have done that” at his previous jobs.
Only after the fact did review his exact written response. At the time, I simply tried to explain I was more focused on being as productive as possible because of the rescheduling and that I thought it was the best way for me to use my time in terms of benefit provided to the company.
He then said something really concerning. “Well you spoke to the OC about our new systems/processes for an hour that day. That hour could've been our meeting time”.
I actually introduced some of these new systems/processes last year as a side project so I thought there was an expectation to assist the OC as they get to be familiar with them and look to enhance/improve them.
This assumption was partly driven by the fact the OC has been asking me fairly constant questions. The week prior to this particular conversation, I had to delay responding due to my workload. We agreed to meet up for some time on this day. The OC followed up with me so I gave him some of me time.
The boss replied “this is the opposite of the expectations” and said that only the OC should be doing this.
I was thinking (but didn't say) 'ok that's good to know but how can you be cross at me when that wasn't clear'? I was also thinking 'wow he was keeping tabs on my movements'…
An early precedent was also set that as long as the work is getting done, there is no need for anyone to track their hours. My work gets done and done well (according to feedback and my usually modest self).
While I don't believe that I leveled any criticisms or strong language back at my boss through this rinsing, I naturally tried to explain/defend myself at times.
Eventually I got overwhelmed and cried (I MEAN IT WAS ALL SO UNEXPECTED)!
We did not come up with much of a resolution at the time except to “remember to be careful not to read tone into text”. I just wanted the bloody conversation to end.
My boss is now away for work and we have two long weekends coming up. I don't expect we will both be in the office again together for over a week. He has not reached out in relation to this phone call.
Honestly, what the fuck should I do? Address it in a meeting? Or avoid having to talk to him as much as possible and brush up my resume for job applications elsewhere (he is very well connected and would probably hear if I was looking around)? Any other ideas?
I feel like ego is involved and it's a minefield. I can take feedback, especially when structured and delivered well. I think this was unfair and unprofessional treatment.
It's a shame because I loved this job. I saw myself commited for the next 3-4 years, had visions for growth. I feel like an idiot for doing more than my job description (basically being PM when I am paid as a team member for the past 6-8 months because I liked the work and thought it would all work out in my favour). I also previously had a lot of trust and respect for my boss.