That's it, honestly. I really struggle with the entire process. I get extremely emotionally frustrated because none of it makes sense to me. It doesn't make sense that my skills alone aren't enough. Having to spend hours writing all the right buzzwords so the bots don't filter me out doesn't make sense to me. Having to create accounts to apply internally, re-typing my resume 3 fucking times in various forms, it doesn't make any god damn sense to me.
Having to be extraverted and look like a go-getter in interviews drains my normally shy and modest desires. Also got to try not to be too gay. Gotta study the night before so I can get all my lies in order. I'm really bad at lying because I WANT to be honest, but it has costed me multiple jobs now.
Applying to one job takes me a full day and strips me of all my energy. That's not counting interviews. I have lost entire weeks to the application/interview process only to not get hired. Rejection hurts me more than it should and I often feel dehumanized or worthless by the end of the process. And when I have a job I work well, but I'm masking the entire shift, and I'm drained and depressed by the end of it.
So now I'm paralyzed. Because these thoughts are spinning through my head constantly. It seems like an insurmountable problem. It feels like I'm always going to be drained and/or poor. I haven't applied for jobs in months, I just keep hiding.
I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting. Just scared and looking for company I guess.