So, I've been working in the IT world for over 8 years now. I am self-taught on the job, but I like to think I have a strong work ethic: I take care of my responsibilities and try to go the extra mile.
My current job pays well, and has lots of benefits. I am doing better than ever before!
Except not: I have been battling depression, anxiety and ADHD (recent diagnostic) for 5-6 years now. When I am in a good spot, working is no hassle. However, when I am not, working is impossible.
Thing is I am most of the time not in a good spot. But I still show up (log in, as I am remote). I try to perform my duties to my best – which is not usually my top. I go out of my way to help others in my team. And this up and down has been going on for a couple years now.
Manager takes me aside and recommends to take vacation, medical time off, and even leave of absence. I am lucky enough that I was able to accrue about 3 weeks of vacation, 1 week of medical and got 6 weeks of LoA on top of that. My company does give a lot of benefits for health related problems, even mental health, I truly appreciate that.
I was very anxious to come back to work, as it is my main stressor. I push myself to start, and then…
My manager sets up a 1:1 for LoA reincorporation and Improvement Plan. Fine. However, I am the person that is in charge of building the PIP. How do you build a PIP? I don't know, never done it. To me that is just to stick better to my duties. Manager says: No. Ok, I work out some ideas to improve my performance, send it to them. Reply comes back, and amongst the words they say “it is half baked”.
Now, in my mind I do not know what they expect. I told them what I would do to improve my performance – despite mental health – but they want to know HOW. HOW? What do you mean by how? Do you need a detailed step by step of my day to day actions? Seems a bit excessive.
A PIP must be built by HR and the manager and provided to the employee, not the other way around.
In the end, we settle on creating a system of checks to guarantee that I am doing my job daily. Fine enough. They don't seem happy with it, but they take it.
Then, the best part of everything is this: my manager tells me that if I will come in but not do the job fully, I am not helping anyone; better if I do not come in and take more time off.
But this is not how it works, honestly. I can't just blow off work and stay home until I feel better. I will get paid less and less as LoA runs out. I will be the first one to be considered to be fired if I continue to not come in. I need to keep this job because I have a family to sustain.
And to top it all off, there is a warning from them: if you do not perform to the full of your duties, your job is at stake.
Nice, what a nice cold shower to throw to someone with my conditions.
That's it. Rant over. Needed to get it off my chest.