I took a one-week vacation to Iceland, and I almost wish I hadn’t. Let me clarify that I acknowledge the privilege and am extremely grateful to have had the means to go on such a magical trip. But my eyes were opened to a way and quality of life that I’m not sure I can ever attain in the USA. Not only is Iceland breathtaking, but people seemed happy! I understand I have an idealized vision of life there, but someone there actually told me “I have everything I need, so all there is left to do is enjoy [life]”. This was not a rich person by any means; this guy was working class, but he has the basics –a family, a home, a vehicle, a decent job, healthcare; time to pursue his interests and time to spend with his family.
The Icelandic man was about to embark on a 10-day vacation to Miami with his ex-wife and 2 kids – just another trip in his collection of visits abroad. I also know a person in Finland who is a janitor in an ice-cream factory and has been around the world. I’m sure they work hard and maybe hate work as much as I do, and I am sure they are stressed out too… but they get to enjoy life! And they enjoy life not just a few weeks out of the year, during a fleeting vacation, but they have consistently good quality of life just by not having to worry about the basics.
Meanwhile, I am sitting here about to turn 40 and dreading most days of my life, and certainly the future. I am a nurse at an elementary school and at first this was a dream job. Decent pay, tons of time off, and I get to work with kids doing something useful. But every day feels like complete chaos at work, and I feel unsupported and COVID has made everything worse. Sometimes I have panic attacks before I go to work. There is so much liability I don’t even feel like being a nurse anymore. Before any suggestions that I should pursue a different path in nursing, the truth is, I fucked up! I thought I was getting an awesome job right out of nursing school (I went back to school for a RN degree when I was 34) but what I did was pigeon-hole myself in a specialty that doesn’t translate into many of the higher paying nursing jobs. I am grateful for all the time off, and my rational mind must acknowledge there are good days at work, but the pay doesn’t stretch that far once you consider my rent, debt, helping a parent financially, and all the bills that always pop up just so I can never get ahead.
Part of me feels like I should have just saved my tax refund or put it toward some bill, or at least in my savings account, but going to Iceland felt like one nice thing that I could do for myself in my lifetime. I usually don’t splurge. (And I went on the off season.) But what I consider splurging and probably the experience of a lifetime, for this working-class guy in Iceland is just another vacation. Why does it have to be like this? I am pissed at myself and the choices I’ve made; for allowing myself to get trapped by debt, for having a savings account that wouldn’t get me through a full month if I lost my job, for not seeing a way out of the grind. I mean, fuck! I am going to turn 40 years old in a few months, I am childless in great part due to never finding the right financial time, and I feel like I have wasted my entire life. Seriously, what.have.I.done?? I just want to make peace with it, because I am no longer hopeful I can get out.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just off myself, but I am too angry to want to die. I have been suicidally depressed before, and that’s not how I feel. I flip-flop between feeling despondent and on edge now; restless, like I have an itch I can’t fully scratch. The anger is almost motivating, but motivation sometimes leads to more desperation when you keep looking but can’t find the answer. Sure, I’m depressed. And it’s because I want all these things, and they are not ridiculous greedy things to want. I just want the basics like that guy in Iceland has. I want to own a home. I want to have financial stability. I worked very hard for a decent career, and I work hard at my job, and yet I am still struggling? It feels awful to be such a bummer, but I am having a very bleak moment right now, so let me vent.
On the being childless thing, I had a miscarriage about 6 months ago. We weren’t actively trying because of finances, but I’ve always had dreams of being a Mom, so I got excited. One thing I learned about miscarriages, is that they can last a long fucking time even after procedures and medications. The reason I am bringing up is because my health insurance didn’t cover many of my urgent care visits and labs, so I got a bunch of medical bills. Just the cherry on top of the shitcake. Why does it have to be like this? Why does a hard-working woman, who pays for health insurance every month, not only has to go through the sadness and the trauma of a miscarriage, but then gets billed for it! But hey – if a miscarriage feels expensive enough, who am I to think I could afford raising a kid.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Iceland, there is a man booking tickets to Miami for his kids and his ex-wife, probably because they have the time and the means and the mental wherewithal to work on a healthy relationship for the sake of their kids. My Mom HAAAATED my dad, lol. Still does. One of the main reasons they split is because of money. Same thing might have happened between me and my partner if we had a kid.
I just want to say fuck it all so bad, but you need money for that too, unless you’re ok with sleeping under a viaduct. I speak another language, so maybe I could become a medical interpreter. The nursing experience might be useful in that field. But it’s even less money than what I make now, and that’s where I always get stuck. No matter what changes I think I can make, in the end they don’t seem to lead to more freedom and a simpler life since I don’t know how to escape the grind. Tomorrow, I go back to work again, and the cycle goes on and on… and I am not in Iceland.