My wife and I, we're broke. Social Security, in error, withheld my disability benefits for June, July, August, and part of September, saying that I had not paid my Medicare premiums over the last 5 years, despite personally paying them myself from 2017 until the end of 2019, and then by the state of Arkansas thereafter as a Medicare QMB after getting laid off by COVID. SSA is not in any hurry to correct this underpayment. It's bullshit.
Not only that, but someone at DHS hasn't been trained at their job properly (as a rule, I blame management, not the frontliners), and recorded the loans used to cover the withheld SSDI payments as unearned, non-ABLE income rather than as liabilities, so my SNAP benefit has been cancelled. Someone was supposed to call me about it today. That didn't happen. I had my phone with me and was awake from 8am to 6pm and fucking nothing. This is also bullshit.
Not only THAT, but my wife's SSDI case has been in limbo for 5 years now. The most recent action, a few months ago now, was the Federal District court remanding the case to the ALJ for rather blatantly failing to include my wife's primary condition in their unfavorable decision. This already happened to her 7 years ago, too, but we were not able to pursue that case any longer as we had moved states and her lawyer could no longer represent her. This is also bullshit.
It's all bullshit.
I am so tired. I would love to have the energy to do something with myself. I've already come to grips with the idea that if I'm going to have better than I have now, that it will be because I have made something and not because I'll find some other employer willing to take me on with all my necessary accommodations. But right now, all I can do is have panic attacks in the bathroom, take entirely too much doxylamine and tizanidine to force myself into sleep, have nightmares, eat, watch YouTube, maybe fuck around on Reddit, and maybe—but not likely—burn up some time on my Switch. But even that feels excessively taxing. Hell, even passive shit like watching YouTube videos is overwhelming. I guess having opinions on Reddit is about all I really can do.
I should be getting my October SSDI check, in full, by November 3. (Yes, you are paid for one month in the month after. No, I don't know why.) My bank usually gets flagged with the ACH notice, and they tend to credit my account a few days early, but that hasn't happened. It's going to be more bullshit, isn't it?
At least, the more bullshit it is, the less I care about basics like hygiene, being socially acceptable, openly discussing sensitive subjects, alienating or alarming people when I get fucking pissed off at my hands for not doing what I tell them to do, or that I want to blow my right foot off with a shotgun or maybe more satisfyingly beat it with a sledgehammer until it is so damaged that the only recourse is amputation. Etc. That last one I'm not to sure on. I have really bad TMJ and terminal nerve spasms, wind up breaking like a dozen teeth. My med regimen did not help. My mouth is very dry and yet very acidic. So, for now, I have no teeth. But, I can still feel them. I'm on oxcarbazepine for the spasms, and it works pretty good, but there are still middling bouts of tooth pain like I would get when uncontrollably checking my teeth. There is a full gap between my upper gums and lower gums where there are no teeth, but I can feel the pressure from them when my jaw clenches. I don't want to have phantom limb pain by annihilating my foot off it just means I'm going to continue to feel like my foot is being electrocuted once it's gone.
Christ, I have to stop before I lose it again. The only prevention is to not think about it