Today was rough for me. I work in a customer service role in a very fast paced environment, friday being a busy day.
I like my job. I hate it, but I like my job. I like it because I like my coworkers, I like how convenient it is to get to from my home, I like the hours I have, I like that I'm good at my job, I like that it's stressful.
I'm a workaholic and I enjoy my job in the same way people enjoy competitive or brutal games. I don't like that about myself, I know it's not healthy for me to enjoy this stress. I wish I wasnt like this but I'm not sure if I even can change this about myself..
I'm usually good at gaslighting myself into being at least okay with what I do and how much effort I put in. I put effort in cause I want to help my coworkers, they're genuinely wonderful people and I want to help them make money and help everyone have as smooth of a day as possible. I like helping customers to an extent, sometimes they make my day, and I understand what it's like to experience shitty service so I should do my best to pay it forward and be good… right?
And I know this mentality has allowed me to be taken advantage of by my employers and the system. And today one of my managers just really made it impossible to not feel like I was being taken advantage of, that my presence and every single customer was there solely for the purpose of making our company and CEO money.
I hate it. I've always hated it, it's always been bullshit. I've had so many ideas of “what if I had the chance to implement change, what policies would I put in place to make things better, more efficient, more fair, humane, free” I've always wanted shit like better minimum wage, universal Healthcare, universal foodstamps, universal income, shorter work weeks, universal housing. And this stuff just never happens, not even really small changes outside of some states.
I don't know what to do with this. I've struggled with my mental health issues for a long time. I need to keep my roof over my head and mine and my dog's stomach taken care of.
I don't like where I'm at, and I don't know how to change it. I don't like who I am in this brutal world, and I don't think it's possible for me to change either of them.
I hope this rambling was fine, I'm pretty tired from work and will probably sleep right after this.
I don't always feel like I belong here since I am a workaholic, even though I know and have known for years how rigged and unfair the system we live in is. To any workaholic lurkers on this sub, I get it.