Unfortunately, I have wound up on anti work, desperately just wanting to work. I was terminated from 2 jobs since the beginning of September last year, and I am beginning to feel like a lost cause. Both times I was let go in a disturbingly similar manner. The first was an utter shock. I was being told by my laboratory manager how great my contribution to the team was exactly 1 hour before having my exit interview. During the interview, the senior lab tech, who I thought I had befriended, said I was being let go based on performance. I was shaking, confused, and spiraling. I asked him to elaborate, since I had done nothing but do my best, and he said, “Low motivation, I wasn’t grasping concepts, and I just didn’t belong there”. This felt like a stab in the gut. I was constantly asking to do more work, constantly being cheerful and happy to be working. I contracted Covid and the flu after my first day and wasn’t able to return to work for nearly a month after. I may have been a little tired, but not to the point where I was coming across as such. I had no performance reviews until this point, and I asked basically on the brink of tears to give me another chance to make up for whatever I was lacking in, and was sent away.
I quickly found another job. This one I was under qualified for. I have not programmed a day in my life, but I landed a job as a controls engineer. On my first day I was given an aurduino and was told to code a program to make it communicate with their robotics. Oh fuck. How do I do this with no prior coding experience? I couldn’t. I did my best, came close, but failed. I asked if there was something else I could do, and was given the opportunity to develop applications. They all knew by now that I did not know how to code, but they knew that upon hire. I developed applications for 3 months and became pretty decent at it. I started to like it. I told this employer about my previous at will fire, and they said this would not happen without warning because they would evaluate my performance. Unfortunately I was let go today for not being a good fit. Nothing more. Almost the same exact scenario. On a Friday, after accomplishing a difficult task, was brought in to a room for an exit meeting. It almost feels like a sick dream. Like my puppeteer is torturing me. I feel confused. The meeting was an hour long and they refused to tell me what I did wrong. They said I was not ready and needed to go to college. I mean, I certainly was not ready at first, but I learned quickly and I was contributing more than my superior. They promised performance reviews and made me feel like I could grow with them. They said I could return in the future, but I don’t believe it.
I am 26. I feel worthless. Something must be wrong with me. My coworkers befriended me, and sent me away both times. Why is this happening? Am I not fit for this world? Usually I’m optimistic, but this is not the only problem I face. I just want a job. I work hard. I’m friendly. I’m smart, but I battle with depression and panic disorder, which was under control until now. I feel like I have PTSD. I also have had shitty luck. Delta variant and influenza b at the same time, skin cancer scares, abnormal heart beats (pvc), and had my wisdom teeth removed during my last job, (surgery went horribly and still recovering) all within six months. My employers seemed to like me a lot. Even gave me presents. Had Halloween parties. Gave me zero warnings of my performance problems. I don’t even know what problems I need to fix. I spent a total of 4 weeks at the job before this one because Covid and the flu got me. They would not let me return for 3 weeks. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just want to die at this point. I feel like a tool that has no purpose. I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Everyone seems to find their passion so easily. I have spent the past two years trying to figure out what role I will serve in this fucked up world of ours. I just want a purpose. I don’t know where I belong now. I’m obviously not good enough to be an engineer or a scientist. I’m so fucking embarrassed. Goddamnit.
On top of this I am a broke engineering student who has paid for all of his expenses out of pocket. I might have to move in with my mom. I am running out of time. Have I just had bad luck? Or am I hopeless?