Warning: text wall. Not really here asking for advice, because I know what I should do. I am turning 30 this year. I started working at my current workplace at 15. Worked summers and winters while in high school, and beyond the Septembers to Aprils for my 4 year university degree, I have spent my time here. So, basically half my life. My job has mostly been physical, but I suffer from some medical conditions that make me uncoordinated and not built well. So my entire life I have been mocked and belittled at times for my physical prowess. Naturally I developed severe anxiety and a perfectionist compulsion. It's not easy to explain to blue collar types that I am simultaneously a perfectionist trying to correct the little things they miss while also being slower and weaker than them. Sometimes you just look lazy or stupid. I never stood up for myself, and never tried bothering to explain until recently if I am being honest. I live in perpetual fear, especially at work. In my 15 years being here, I have been bounced between departments, never by choice, and never complaining. There have been a few times where because of this, I have “slipped through the cracks” when it comes to getting raises. Most of the time, people don't talk about raises, so I don't know how many I have missed. The main boss of this place is a micromanager at levels that even best me by several magnitudes. While I never get mad at others for these little details, rest assured he takes his bossly duty seriously and is sure to berate, condescend, and fixate on things. Everyone that works here has major issues with his attitude. After university, I was struggling with my confidence in my ability to perform professionally in my desired career path. I needed time to unwind and realign myself. Driving home on my convocation day, I get a call from my workplace asking me if I will come back and start the next day. My parents felt that I needed to keep making money, while I technically could've paid almost two years' worth of expenses across the board if I were to hypothetically go through the school process again. Of course, I went back to work. Six years ago, I was asked by the manager of one department to join his department in the winter and take over the nightshift of his job; he wanted someone “well educated and intelligent” to handle the responsibility of taking care of and controlling millions of dollars worth of machinery that enables us to develop our most important product. One could argue that this is the single most important job at my workplace; it certainly is the one with the most significant financial impact. The deal was that I would do this job as long as they needed a nightshift (this is a seasonal shift that takes up half the winter) but once they just have a dayshift again, I go back to filling other roles as the main boss saw fit. In this other department, I was more in my element; using technology rather than brute force to accomplish tasks. The labour side of this department are the easiest people to get along with; although their job is stressful, they do not get bent out of shape like everyone else. I have been told by them and people in other departments that I am better at this job than the department manager, and their work is much easier when I am at the helm. When this shift ends, I am inevitably put back out of my element and put in more stressful environments where I feel insecure and inferior. Every department performs maintenance for the non-winter months. It never occurs to the boss to keep me in that department year round; he is more concerned about other departments that he oversees (his brother oversees that one). Four years ago, I was shifted to another department yet again for the warm weather months. The second most vital one, with all of the responsibility and way more stress. I was paired to work with the bully that everyone refused to work with. I was made to feel useless and stupid and get yelled at like never before. I actually faked illness twice to avoid the yelling when I knew it would be really bad. This department became my winter role once the nightshift for my other department ended. You got to be a little more independent in the winter, and the workload lightened. But still the stress remained high and you had to make sure not to slip up and impact a coworker. For an extremely anxious, fearful, and OCD person, idle hands are the devil's playthings. St Patrick's Day 2021; in a moment of thinking “what will my boss say if I don't check this out? what will the bully say?” I took a stupid risk and suffered a traumatic amputation off the ends of three of the fingers on my dominant hand. Initially, my workplace and workman's compensation wanted me to go back to work two weeks after my amputation. My mom overheard this conversation on the phone and screamed at them, which got me three weeks instead of two. Fortunately, my role shifted where I got the easiest position possible, but I was closer to the boss and his micromanaging ways reached new unbearable heights by the time that winter rolled around. I confided in the department manager for my nightshift role that I couldn't stand to be around the boss anymore when he said that he had work that I could do all year round if I would like. I finally got released from the clutches of my boss. The warm weather work is physical, but the department is relaxed and considerate of the fact that I am still adjusting to the use of my hand. In a sick way, I feel like losing my fingers put me in a better place. But just a few days ago, everyone got an email, talking about wages. I figured that the lead labourers in this department make more than me, even though they have worked here 6 years and 4 years compared to my 15 years. But I found out not only that, they got a $2.50 raise while I got $1.50. I now make what one of them made before our raise. Then, I found out that the labourers who should obviously be beneath me and have been here less made a $1.60 or a $2.60 (due a $1 already plus the $1.60) raise. I remember when my (only) friend made $0.25 less on a raise because he “didn't prove himself enough”. I have to wonder, did I not “prove myself enough” this time because of my workplace injury? Is a $0.10 deduction for the deduction of my hand? No way someone would admit that even if it is the case why they think I didn't prove myself. For years, my dad has told me to work at the company he works for where I would make a little more money, but the work there is even more labour intensive and from what I heard there are way more bullies that I would be working with. Nothing terrifies me more than a job interview. I have only ever had mock interviews and I have bombed them all. I got this job because of my family name. The place where my grandfather taught my boss how to operate machinery (I guess that counts for nothing). The place where I never wanted to work but was pressured to do so. The place I dread thinking about 24/7. This is my life…