I have a job to start tomorrow, and I know I won't like it (warehousing), and I might not even go, even though I'll be homeless by February if I don't. I had two jobs I really wanted in the bag but lost them because I had to delay my start date due to my mother's cancer. One company was really tolerant, but my mom almost died during a procedure, and I had to cancel a second time. Now they seem less than thrilled with me. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I'm better off without them. But I want to work in my industry and the jobs are drying up now. I've done warehousing before and, honestly, I'd rather be dead or on the street than do it again.
I've been homeless numerous times in life in childhood and young adulthood. Eventually, the fear of living on the street comes to an end, or at least it has in my case, and can no longer be used as a tool of control. It's like the nervous system just burns out. My psychiatrist doesn't help much, just tells me to go to the hospital. I've been to mental hospitals before. If you aren't REALLY BAD, they discharge you right away, especially when your insurance sucks, which mine does.
I grew up in a working class family that became welfare class. My mother's been on SSI for decades. I could apply, but I might not get it, as I haven't had a recent suicide attempt, and it's not enough to live on anyway. Also, you have to wait at least one year until it pays out.
But despite those obstacles, I can't even find the energy to apply for SSI, even though some people who know me say I should go that route.
What to do when you just don't have it in you anymore? I can barely bathe or brush my teeth or comb my hair lately. Life has just sucked everything out of me.