I just recently found out about this subreddit and I'm sorry if this is disorganized but I have a few years of this pent up and I don't often get to talk about it. I guess I'm just looking to rant.
I am 22 years old, and a recent college grad. My body has been slowly getting worse for years and has recently deteriorated to the point where I don't think I can make a daily computer even if I could get a job. To top it all off I have terrible ADHD (Which trust me is way worse than simply not being able to focus) I barely even have experience because although all my friends were able to work retail my joints are so bad that I'm physically incapable of taking on that kind of work.
Standing for long periods of time? terrible pain
Long walks? Excruciating
Sitting in a chair for a few hours? I’ll be lucky if I can walk later.
Running? I haven't been able to do that since the 6th grade
I've had five operations on my knees, and before college I thought that was the worst of it. What I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t just the knees. They just went first because they were bearing all the weight. I would be pulling an all nighter and then feel a pain in my shoulder. The year after that it would be one elbow, and then the other. Two years ago I was accidentally hit in the knees and lost the ability to sleep on my side, which worsened my already bad insomnia. It's gotten to the point where I can barely draw for more than an hour. The one thing I went to school for in the first place and I can't do it. I can’t do most of the things that bring me joy anymore but I don’t even have the time to come to terms with that because I have to deal with the constant anxiety of unemployment. Is this how life is? Do I just struggle and suffer for 50 more years and then die. Am I not allowed to ever feel comfortable?
My whole life I’ve watched my parents destroy themselves just to keep the lights on and I can’t even do that much?
Lately I find myself just waiting for the night to come so I can go to sleep. I hate being awake. I just want to sleep forever. It’s so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Every week my mom asks me how the job search is going and I just want to throw up. I don't know what's worse my mothers lack of faith in me and beratement, or my father's insistence that I'm talented and it's only a matter of time before I find work. The truth is I am useless to society. I am a dead weight.