The Manager is out on important business and has tasked me with this vital, time-sensitive project. As his Assistant Manager/Assistant to the Manager (it’s exactly the same role with the same importance, so please stop asking) I have been entrusted with answering your worthless questions. Please think about moderately intelligent questions as you shouldn’t waste my valuable time. My answers are final, so stop asking.
(Props for the brilliant post; I’d been hoping for a response but 1000s of questions means OP obv can’t get to them all)