I work at sales 27yo, I have depression and anxiety but was able to pull off an Oscar deserving performance in my interview last year so I got hired.
For one year I tried, I tried to be the fking person this twisted society wants me to be.
I can't anymore, every night I don't want to sleep and every morning I don't want to wake up – why? Because I am scared; I do not wish to live this life.
I've become apathetic, annoyed by everything, sad, miserable and anxious – all because I'm forced to do something I don't want to. I do not feel anything anymore about nothing.
Pills don't help, time off doesn't help, weekends don't help, slacking off doesn't help, reaching out doesn't help, hobbies don't help, setting goals doesn't help.
I am suffering so much… And the worst part is that I feel this is all my fault, I am the broken person that can't function like I should…
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the management, I want to tell them that I can't go on in sales… It's not for me, it's honestly soul crushing and excruciating – I am going to ask to be transferred to another department, if not possible I will eventually have to quit or get fired…
Will I then have to go again through the shame of being unemployed? Having my family threaten me and treat me like garbage? Feeling like I am less worthy than a dead rat?
How do people do it… How an earth do people wake up every fking day, go to a job that they hate for 40 years and don't kill themselves? I guess that's what you can do when you are not clinically depressed? Or are they just conditioned slaves of the system?
All I want is to cry my eyes out and hurt myself physically, but I can't… For as I said, I feel nothing at all, the definition of apathy…maybe it's a defense mechanism so I don't literally go insane from this…
Please what on earth should I do with my god-damned life? FYI it's not that my job mistreats me or doesn't pay me etc… The environment is great, benefits are ok, people are nice… Despite this, I can't go on anymore…
I want to get at least this out of my system:
Working as a salesperson has been pure torture… Deadlines, calls, hunting leads, pressuring people, negotiating, KPIs… It's all so fking exhausting (I do not wish to offend people who genuinely enjoy sales, if anything I wish I could be like you).
I also do not wish to get tips on how to manage or do better… I'm at my wits end… For everyone who is able to pull this off and enjoy a working life, seriously congratulations…
Once I told my mother how much I hate this job, she told me that my job pays well and that I should change my mindset or I'll suffer forever… Well mom, if only I could flip the switch and be the successful happy child you wanted with a great career and family…
If you read this and feel the same please just let me know… I hope this rant wasn't offensive to anyone, I just really needed to get this off my chest…
Thank you for reading and understanding,