I'm posting here bc this is the place, I figure, where I'm least likely to get sneered at for being such a naive silly rabbit that wants more to life than this.
I have it so much easier than most. I work 40hrs a week. I genuinely like most of my coworkers. After being bedridden with illness in my 20s I finally recovered and started working full time at 29, a year ago. I have to still live at home because I don't earn enough to live alone and I'd rather save up and eventually move out to be on my own rather than live with a stranger — I can't stand my family and they're a big contributor to my depression but better the devil you know, right?
I can barely fucking cope with this.
When I was a kid 6 hours of school a day made me severely depressed. Now I'm an adult and working 40 hours a week my depression is back, big time. When I was going to uni and TAFE I was fine because it didn't take up as much time, but now I'm barely holding on.
I like my job but there is nothing in the world I like enough to want to do it for 40 hours a week. Nothing. Not even playing my favourite video games full time.
A friend of a friend happened to mention once that there was a position in IT that few people could do that was easy to learn, but earned enough that someone could theoretically do it part time while still earning full time wages. A year ago I wasn't interested but now I'm at the end of my rope, and I've had enough people tell me to get into IT that I'm like “fuck it, tell me more” but trying to get more information out of these people is like getting water out of a rock so now I'm thinking they were just bullshitting. Even if it exists I know it'd take at least a few years of full time work to get there but I could hang out for a few more years if I knew there'd be an end to it.
I want to take a huge chunk of time off but I'm finding it so difficult to cope that I've been using up my leave as I accrue it just to help me tread water.
I'm in therapy. People keep saying to go to therapy. So I go to therapy. But if someone keeps hitting me in the face with a hammer, therapy isn't going to fix it, removing the damn hammer will. But that's not how our society is built, is it?
I wish I could work part time and still earn enough to live alone and have some disposable income. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be secure and mentally healthy. But that's a god damn pipe dream. And I can't tell anyone because it just makes me a lazy sack of shit and a spoiled brat who needs to get out of her parents' basement and isn't a real adult.
How do people have relationships and families and social lives on top of this?
I don't know how long I can keep doing this for, but I guess in the mean time I just have to keep breathing and hope one day I'm magically okay with this.