I [25 F] used to be very ambitious. I was working to put myself through school, building a name for myself in my chosen field through internships and work experience. Every single thing I did besides study and work was focused on advancing my career – the books I read, my “hobby” writing articles about this career field for money, etc. It was all in the interest of putting me at a competitive advantage so I could make a good salary.
But my chosen field is completely rigged. The rich kids whose parents put them through ivy leagues get the good unpaid internships which land them at the best companies. And there I was, a community college student striving for a degree from a state university, working part time and studying part time, going above and beyond those peers and yet falling further and further behind them.
Then my health went downhill and I had to drop out of college. Now I've wracked up medical debt from chronic illness and all I can think about is what kind of job I can have that will be secure when I inevitably relapse and need another surgery. I don't want to stay in the job I got when I left school, because my chronic illness impacts it too much. I can't afford to go back to school with my medical debt, and even if I did, I'd just go right back into debt again.
I've been thinking and thinking about what I would study that interests me and I would be good at, but would also make decent money. And I've been thinking about careers that wouldn't involve going back to school to get my bachelor's degree. The conclusion I came to is that nothing excites me anymore. I literally dread the idea of committing to something for 40+ hours a week the rest of my life. I just want to earn enough money for us to achieve our dream of owning a home with property within a reasonable timeframe, as well as supports the one thing that brings me joy in life, horses.
Horses are EXPENSIVE. I can't have children because my chronic illness treatment made me infertile, so I thought I would focus on figuring out a job that financially supports that passion. The only career that excites me is one that would involve horses, but it's extremely difficult to earn money in that, requires a large financial sacrifice up front, and my health is too unpredictable to do something that physically demanding anyway.
I literally have no idea what I want to do. I used to have a “dream career” and now I resent the fact I even have to work. But I can't just give up, because I'm married and I need to contribute to the bills for my spouse's sake. He doesn't understand why I find it so soul sucking to throw my life away as someone else's employee doing work I have zero interest in. The only thing that brings me comfort is hanging around this subreddit.
TL;DR I need to pick a career and stick with it but nothing appeals to me, my chronic illness has complicated things with medical debt and physical limitations, and I don't want to go into more debt by getting a degree. I feel lost and stuck and resentful. I used to be incredibly ambitious about my career but now I dread working at all. I have to have a decent income in order to have access to the single thing in life I enjoy, which is horses.
Idk, what would you guys do in my shoes? Right now I make around $30k a year after taxes, and I don't have a college degree.