I'm venting so please excuse me. I'm not in the best of places right now. I'm angry and depressed. I just need someone to emphasize with me please.
Background: I live in the United States: Im 30 years old turning 31 next month. I'v never wanted to die so much. I woke up again around 2:00AM contemplating suicide.
Living in the U.S under capitalism all my life has just killed my spirt. Im serious. My will to get out of bed is gone. My will to keep on living is thin.
When I graduated High-School at 19, I was a happy, optimistic, hard-working young man ready to tackle the world.
I went to college and received my associates degree. At the time, I was still living at my parents house. I had an “okay” job that was paying about $11 an hour, which was far better than the $7.25 I was making before. It was chill and I worked alone.
My college degree did not help me in any way at all. I did not find a career in the field I studied for. I soon after graduating college, I lost my long term job. This was all happening around the age that you are expected to move out of your parents. I was 22 at the time. I still was optimistic ya know “what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger right?”. I had immediately start looking for a new job and had to find my first apartment. That's when my descent into madness began. I HATE INDEED.COM SO MUCH. I had so many awful jobs after that you would not believe me. I was depressed and miserable at 24 years old. So many days and nights wasted on indeed.com
I had an anxiety disorder and depression when I was younger because of abuse I suffered from at the hands of my family. I didn't let it stop me from wanting to become a wonderful husband one day, become an awesome Dad, get a college degree, be successful, have a happy good life, etc. I swear to you this system we live under screwed everything up for me and my mental health. Work has brought back and has amplified my anxiety disorder to the point where I have been unemployed since 2020.
I'm married now to an amazing woman. She knows about my anxiety disorder and has been there for me. We both are depressed because we can't have children. We have literally no money for children. Our rent is over $1000 a month and guess what? THIS WAS THE ONLY PLACE TO ACCEPT US OR WAS NOT CHARGING 3X THE RENT. We have no idea how in the hell to have a future…. We have no idea how we will every own a home or save for retirement. WE ARE CURRENTLY SINKING. We just got married and I found out I will probably lose my medicaid even though WE ARE SINKING AND HAVE NOTHING. Medicaid was a joke anyways because I COULDN'T FIND ANYONE TO ACCEPT IT.
My will to live just keeps dwindling. I just want to die and be with God. I don't like this world.
Capitalism in America did this to me. It broke me and my spirit into a shell of a person. I'm better off dead.