Sorry kind of just dumping this here because I just need some reassurance of sorts and everyone around me is just happy for me and telling me how great it is and how awesome I'll do.
I've been on unemployment since January and basically exhausted my savings waiting on employment insurance (Canada) which took 13 weeks to come in. Before that I finished a degree last May, did a 12 week internship where I learned fuck all, got hired permanently at said internship then changed jobs for what I thought would be a better opportunity in October and we parted ways in January. 2022 started rough: I got COVID and was on my ass for about 10 days (took 5 paid days off) and since I had no benefits yet due to the fact that I was in “probation” I had to pay meds and all out of pocket. Then my childhood friend committed suicide and I took another week off which blew through my 7 days (so 3 unpaid days off) of vacation I had as calculated for the current work year. After that I blew off my evaluation and we both decided I wasn't a fit as I was not getting the feedback I needed to be confident in my knowledge and skills, my boss had no time for me and the whole team there were 10-12 year seniors so they were all like brothers and I was like the odd little sister who they didn't like having around. I had to pay them 299$ upon leaving because I took “vacation days” spent in bed crying and wishing I could stop existing.
I feel as though my previous jobs (even before getting the degree) were all liars and promised me shit that never happened in the end, promising promotions, certifications, advancements and positions but made excuses so I'd continue to chase the carrot at the end of the fishing pole. I feel betrayed by employers in tech in general. It all seems great upon entrance and then after 3-4 weeks you just discover their company has THE worse management and runs on burnout and disorder.
Now I've actually found this position and applied thinking I wouldn't have what it took to actually be hired but lo and behold I had 3 interviews and they love me. I thought that I would have this same fire in my belly when I finished school and wanted to advance my career and absorb all this knowledge and experience but now I'm just kinda…beat down.
I did mourn my friend but her suicide made me question everything. She had a seemingly great life — she was a medical student, went to Africa and Thailand to do humanitarian work, she had a huge circle of friends and was just a loveable person in general. In comparison, my life is shit and I've not accomplished anything remotely as awesome as her to help the world progress. It made me fall into this pit of desperation and existential dread that I still feel my toes dip in a couple days a week. Adding that to everything going on in the world — war, pandemic, environmental issues, housing crisis etc. — I just feel like making efforts to fuel this broken fucking system is not worth it. I feel powerless and exhausted. I know I need to continue and progress but I also feel like my dream of a mini-farm and self sustenance is gonna stop at my apartment sized spice garden.
Anti-work, please give me the courage I need.