Dear people,
I feel ashamed, dejected, desperate and like I'm in a way arrogant. Some people would like to work and they cannot find any, others struggle in their daily life even if they work because they can't earn enough money to support themselves or their families. There are even people who are disabled or cannot afford education who'd love to find or pursue a career. And I'm just sitting here ranting and/or feeling down. It's all about ME, I feel selfish.
On the other hand, I can't go on the way I do. For context, I live in Germany. I studied until 2020 and then found a job in social work. The bills were paid, the work felt ok and I just did it. After a while I realised it's just not it. Mostly worked alone, without professional input, worked overtime and I didn't feel intellectually stimulated. The people I worked with were mentally ill/addict people and they drained me in a way, even if there were interesting or nice moments.
Then I switched careers after being sick for two months. I worked with schools in violence prevention programmes which made me depressed. I mostly worked from home but I was bored all day because there was nothing to do and the work just didn't flow, all processes were slow and sluggish. After a few months I again applied for new positions and worked in another job where I created content for a learning platform. This was ok even if it wasn't fulfilling. I could've imagined working there for another year or two but not forever since it wasn't something I liked, it didn't make me cry and it paid my bills in an ok way.
After these experiences, my first employer came to me with a new leading position in the social work sector. I agreed because I thought: Great, more responsibility, more freedom, more money. Was I wrong. All three aspects became true, even the colleagues are nice. But you know what? I hate the job. In a way I feel like I can't work with mentally unstable/ill/addicts any longer. I just makes me angry and annoyed on a regular basis even if I know they mostly are not responsible for their health issues. I just hate it being away from home for hours, I can't do the things I love, and I think that I would hate every job. I even work part time (30h/week) and it makes me sick.
When I come home (I work there for six weeks now) I sometimes cry because I'm so tired and stressed. I don't have enough time to recharge, to do the things I like and I feel like I'm going into a cage when I leave in the morning to commute to work.
The thing is: I felt this way with every job, except some jobs I had during college/uni where I worked about 16-18 hours per week. Otherwise I feel like a slave (and I feel ashamed that I feel this way), I want to quit, I want to be free and I don't know how. I don't have a huge talent or interest that can be made into a business because I love many things but nothing in particular. I don't know where to go from here, maybe I'm mentally ill and not able to work normally. It makes me sad, I feel bad and worry about the future. I also made some personality tests, I am going to therapy for two months now and that's good but I just don't have any perspective as to where to go from here. I hate that I can't simply fit into this work system. I also know that the answer(s) lie within me and nobody else can make decisions for me but it's going this way for two years now and I'm tired.
Thanks for reading and best wishes