sorry if i use parenthesis too much i have Eighty HD and every thought comes with Bonus Content ™
context:
late 2020 i [23m] started working at a retail chain as a pandemic cleaner, wiping surfaces down and refilling hand sanitizer. really chill job, worked all the way thru 2021 and i enjoyed it, being ND and not liking the customer base of the store (mostly old women who all look the same) so i got to keep to myself. mostly awesome job. walked a fuckton so i sat down a lot (they didnt like that but also didnt punish me for it), but full time makes it hard for me to focus on my hobbies, art and music and writing.
the management kind of suck shit and they suck at communicating (one of them admitted it to my face when i told her) which is another benefit of not having to talk to them much. as the cleaner i kind of just managed myself. eventually we got a raise to $15 an hour because of really bad staffing issues, but everyone now makes the same amount, the veterans of several years and the fresh out the training room new hires. $15 is the most i've ever made so i didn't complain but i had been working there a year by that point.
anyway fastforward to march 2022, one of my managers (they change them every year and i was unlucky enough to get the annoying rat faced manlet with cigarette breath) and he said theyre removing mask requirements. that was when the stress started, and until this exact day, it didnt go away.
so i have the usual gut feeling (i lived with abusive family and as a result im really observant and predictive) that theyre going to eliminate my role sooner or later, i mean yeah covid wont be around FOREVER but our pandemic response in the US has been such dog shit, i figured i'd get a good 4 or 5 years out of it. 3 of my roommates got covid at the same time the other week by the way, and i myself just got out of a really bad cough and sickness that persevered for days. I usually don't get sick so it made me wonder, but this store offers NO sick pay so I didn't even bother getting tested.
anyway, later that month the store owner (let's call him monkey eared motherfucker) and my “assigned” manager (let's call him rat fucker) pull me into the office and say theyre eliminating my role. they forced me to pick between a part time sales floor position (which i worked when i started, FUCKING hated it) or “resigning”. they make it clear that i have to choose. so im like alright ill think about it
this is where i started mentally deteriorating. eventually i was able to tell my therapist (thank fucking god for her by the way) and vented a lot. so later that month i finally switch to the sales floor. i hate it, hate the managers, hate the people, hated pretending like i was busy, hated trying to find out when the right time to go sit down would be, hated pretending like i cared. hated pretending like i felt valuable here. hated. hated. hated. hated it all. rat fucker constantly bothers me, like a fly on a horse's ass, telling me not to listen to earbuds because monkey eared motherfucker decided so, and i'm like oh alright and just put them back in later in the day. anyway monkey eared motherfucker eventually finds out i'm just kind of slacking and disobeying and not giving a shit, and the amount of effort it takes pretending like i care, i swear, i cannot stress this enough, it puts me into energy debt. ultimate spoon deficit. anyway, they keep poking at me and disciplining me, several times a week at this point
skip to a week ago. i just got a job downtown! cool! it's part time and i'd make a significant amount less but i can make it work, and part time would help me focus on my hobbies. pretty okayish-to-decent outcome i think. so now i just have to pretend… yeah, just gotta keep pretending like i care. as of now they still haven't actually reduced me to part time like they said they would, which is… nice i guess
monkey eared mother fucker, in one of his office talks with me, got an email from my former manager (the only one i felt comfortable emailing) and he says “she said that she fixed your schedule, we know you don't work on thursday, it was an error” and i said “thats a lie she never said she fixed anything she just told me how to do it myself” and…. this skinhead starts arguing with me about it? what? hello? i have proof on my phone?? so i pull out my phone. “put that away we're talking” and i say “it's relevant” and he gets mad at me for it. this fucking sucks, severely. i just keep to keep going. they're so lucky i have a life to throw away, so many things i wish would happen to them.
so… today i come in (lately ive been coming in late almost every day and still using my earbuds, started letting my hair down so they didnt even know for the longest time) and after my break im in men's folding and organizing jeans, most fucking boring activity in the world by the way, shit was so dull i could cry, anyway monkey eared mother fucker showed up, oh but i'm listening to something, so i reach into my pocket to turn down my earbuds with my phone's volume buttons (usual tactic) but he must have figured, cause he asked if i was using my earbuds and i immediately said “yeah”. The response visibly shook him too, like when he once asked me in his office why i listen to music on the sales floor and i said “cause the shit they play here sucks.” songs that died in the 00s, think your most insufferably dull songs, ones you've heard a billion times and never really liked at all.
so monkey eared mother fucker is like “i'm gonna have to send you home”
…
“Nah I got a new job, I quit actually”
I start walking, he's following directly behind. He's asking me if I resign, kind of tuning him out, but I notice he keeps repeatedly asking me to say it “his way”. He does this to me a lot, especially when I'm having to manage my anger. Won't accept a response in any way except his. I guess if it makes him shut the fuck up about it, sure. “Yeah I resign or quit, whatever.” and he says “i accept your resignation.” all self-rightously, the same way he talked when we had one of our many talks and he said i'm getting a 45 cent raise and he was “really glad he could do that for me”.
I clock out and he watches me put on all my motorcycle gear. I spend like 10 minutes doing that, and then when the helmet is on I walk right up to his face and say “make sure to mark me as Not Eligible for re-hire.” just to be damn sure the bridge stays burnt. I see the fear on his face too. He isn't used to it. He's only used to people getting exhausted and leaving. Ran him for a loop I'm sure. While I turn to walk out, he says “Good luck, [name]”. It almost sounds genuine, but abusive people are either so good at pretending to be genuine, or they genuinely think their abuse is normal and that they're victims.
Regardless, my response was “good luck to you too you monkey eared mother fucker”, it felt like striking him down, it felt cathartic, I felt release, not just because that had been sitting in the oven for so long, but because I PAINSTAKINGLY looked for work and maintained my sanity in the most stressful of conditions I've ever had since I almost became homeless (low double digits in bank account, not a joke). I can't stress how much my limit was tested. I've grown at least a bit from this experience. I've talked a lot with my former coworker (thank god for her too, wouldn't have my license without her) and she has always supported me. The closest thing to a friend I have in real life, besides my roommates. She talks about how like 75% of the people who work here aren't there anymore. It's true. She's an older lady and has been there longer. They laid her off for a medical issue she didn't contact them for, like it must have been about a week and they just laid her off. Very nice. She talks about how a lot of people just hate it here. I hate it here.
But I'm finally out. I never let go of the fact that work isn't my life. This job isn't my life. I detached from me, I rejected its request for dependency. I'm part of the majority now, and for good reason.
I'm free. The eddy is hitting now (lol) but I'm free and I'm so happy. I don't work until next week. I can breathe. I can sleep and eat, and draw and write music, and talk to my friends and just…. I can just live. I'm free. I'm free and I'm so happy.