I need to work. In my younger adult years I accumulated a very large amount of debt, and at the present moment I have to work full time at shitty jobs AND try take classes at a community college AND get more involved in my community just to pay the bills and have hope for a better life.
The problem is, I just can't ever seem to stick with it. In the 29 months since I graduated high school, I've been unemployed for about 14 of them. I lost all my money on the stock market at 18 years old, maxed out several credit cards moving out of my parents' house, took out loans, and now I have no choice BUT to work. I've sold all of my belongings except a bedroom's worth of items, and have gone through many desperate times in search of money to stay on top of my bills. In such a short time I have gone back to the same shitty company 4 times out of desperation and a need for money in a familiar setting. I recently quit due to the job stressing me out too much despite having no financial alternative, and I'm quickly approaching another month of unemployment.
Even today, I just woke up at 4am for my first real day of work at UPS and I presently find myself incapable of getting out of bed. It's not that I don't want this job, but I'm paralyzed with the anxiety of a new setting and the fear of potential misery. It's already too late to make it on time, so once again I have failed myself
I have both depression and ADHD (both fairly severe) and it's not that I don't want to work–I just don't want to spend 40+ hours a week slaving away to simply pay rent, ridiculous food prices, ridiculous gas prices, and all my debt payments. I now owe my landlord 2 months of rent and I just don't know what to do. All I want to do is create music and be involved with my church and spend time with the people I love. I want to go back to a university and get an education without having to work 60+ hours a week until I get there because of stupid mistakes I made when I was younger. I want to contribute to the world in meaningful ways I am passionate about instead of serving pizza to ungrateful assholes, doing construction for a company that couldn't have cared less about my existence, or breaking my body in some warehouse.
Everyone tells me “short term sacrifices for long term gains. Suck it up and work hard for your goal of going back to university.” Or “your sister worked two full time jobs and got a degree with all her medical issues, why can't you?” My mom and my girlfriend's mom and their friends and everybody else are in my ear about my finances and I know that they are in a terrible spot, but I simply do not know what to do. And I get that that's how it works, but what kind of country do we live in that you have to sacrifice years of your life just to get an education? That your joy and love for life become the cost of success? That's no American dream.
I'm sorry to rant. As I lie in bed, anxious and stressed, I simply do not know what to do. It is clear God has not created me to be a conventional worker, and I don't know what I can do to make money that I won't inevitably quit and/or hate. I don't trust myself to do what I need to financially, and I know it will inevitably all come crashing in on me.