I've had passive (yet nevertheless strong) suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember, definitely at least the better part of 10 years (if not more). I haven't self-harmed, though I've had thoughts of it for 8 months. I'm autistic, anxious, depressed, and likely have ADHD too. I'm a black male with dreads.
The crux of this is that I work with my mother (who along with my father is a whole other fucking can of worms). I'm finally moving out 'cause I have enough money, and it's long past time anyway. I've been outta college for almost 2 years, and though I can say I'm lucky enough to have enough money amassed to take care of myself awhile (along with no student loans, was on a full ride), I have been rejected from literally every job interview I've been in (save two summer internships, nepotism helps).
Since my role at my mother's small business is now gonna greatly diminish with my move, I need to look for more work. I don't think I ever get depressed as fast or consider suicide as a viable option in any other situation like when I look for “so-called” entry level job listings that are totally out of my field, let alone my realm of qualifications (five different softwares for any one job that my economics degree ain't teach me at all, along with 5 years experience minimum). I apparently do terribly in interviews, but practice doesn't seem helpful in any way at all. I guess companies and society just hate neurodivergent people like that (make sure to make eye contact and smile!).
I overachieved academically all my life just to be booksmart and not people-smart for the shit that actually mattered in my formative years. And now you mean to tell me I deserve to starve to death without a home for all that hard work?? This is what happens when every person's worth is defined by what they can do for others.
Immediate EDIT: I know this seems a bit disjointed and totally lacks consistency or a coherent story, but I obviously just really needed to get my thoughts out. Also, I'm not at all in crisis.