Disclaimer, I'm not suicidal.
Hello everyone,
My (m25) problem is that I'm slowly loosing every reason I had to do anything and don't know how to cope anymore.
I'm from a poor working class family and grew up only with my mom. Money was always tight, my dad didn't really take any responsibility and my mom didn't really learn a job. I'm the only one of my family who finished high school and saw a university from inside. Now I'm an engineer and doing my masters. During my whole life I've been looked down at, not taken seriously or straight up insulted for my background by the parents of my friends and classmates because I was one of the very few non-rich people at my school/uni. My first GFs dad despised me after he learned where in town I live, my friends mom called my mom a lazy tax thief and so on. On the other hand my mom was always ashamed of our life and e.g. didn't let people visit us. I was taught indirectly that those rich parents were right and I was in fact just a filthy poor boy. (To set things straight, I love my parents and our realtionship is very healthy now after therapy)
Because of this I grinded my education, got a scholarship and went to a nice Uni, but I'm starting to loose my hope for the future.
Everything I ever wanted was a home and a family. Somewhere where I could be safe and live with the ones I love, instead of that shabby moldy flat I grew up in.
But now I'm in my third therapy, I have extreme stress and sleep problems, struggle with self harm again and suffer from anxiety and depression.
House prices are skyrocketing, a 4 room building is >400,000€ where I live, living expenses are also through the roof and there is now way I'm ever going to earn so much money even as an engineer.
I feel like I did all this, suffered so much, grinded so hard, just to reach the point I started at. Even as an engineer I can never ever achieve my (in my opinion) humble goals while all the other kids will just get their parents houses anyways. I feel like I'll end up in the same place as before, as if all my efforts were wasted and true social climb-up was never possible. And even if I'll scrape enough money and drown myself in crippling debt to buy a place, I'll still be the one with burnout and anxiety while what feels like everyone around me just inherits their house and safe lives no strings attached.
I don't know how to cope with that. I don't want to be so toxicly envious, I'm generally happy for everyone luckier than me, I just don't know how to process this slow but steady shattering of all my dreams and wishes. I struggle to accept life's unfairness but I also seem to realize that no matter what I do I can't change anything either. And because of that I don't really see a way forward either. Should I quit school? Should I even work if it's no use anyways? Maybe never have kids? Why not live on welfare and be the filthy tax thief that this one mother taught my I was?
Sorry for this wall of text, any input would be greatly appreciated!