im about a year into my first ''real'' job after graduating. and im miserable. i used to be much more laid back and relaxed about things, but now even the smallest thing sends me into a complete meltdown. im tense all the time, its messed up my back muscles, and i constantly speak like im about to fight someone.
the fact that every time i need to take off work to see a doctor (and most of the ones i see only open on weekdays, and close at 5pm, so if you work regular office hours, you're out of luck) i have to sacrifice what little leave days i have, i have to inform several managers/superiors, fill out paperwork, get it signed, email it to the appropriate department etc. etc. just makes me feel like im expected to revolve my personal time around my work. im not even goofing off or partying, im going to my various medical appointments. but this constant shifting around of doctor's appointments to fit around my working schedule, having to apply for special permission to be out of the workplace – its driving me crazy. it really is.
i know this is supposed to be ''normal working life'' but this constant struggle with my time and the idea that i have to do this until im literally too old to work, and i'll have just a few years to ''enjoy my life'' (and who knows what my health will be like then) before i shuffle off the mortal coil. its depressing. its terrifying. im absolutely terrified and miserable at the idea.
the fact that every time i need to take off to see a doctor (and most of the ones i see only open on weekdays, and close at 5pm, so if you work regular office hours, you're out of luck) i have to sacrifice what little leave days i have, i have to inform several managers/superiors, fill out paperwork, get it signed, email it to the appropriate department etc etc just makes me feel like im expected to revolve my personal time around my work. im not even goofing off or partying, im going to my various medical appointments. but this constant shifting around of doctor's appointments to fit around my working schedule, having to apply for special permission to be out of the office – its driving me crazy. it really is. i know this is supposed to be ''normal working life'' but this constant struggle with my time and the idea that i have to do this until im literally too old to work, and i'll have just a few years to ''enjoy my life'' (and who knows what my health will be like then) before i shuffle off the mortal coil. its depressing. its terrifying. im absolutely terrified and miserable at the idea.
i've been trying to at least look for a hybrid job or a wfh job that might allow me more flexibility with my time, but it seems like none of these are really available for someone who's still considered entry level. i've done a bit of research and it seems like this is still considered a privilege only for people who have worked for several years, gained their managers' trust, blah blah blah. so i just feel stuck.
i've spoken about this to my therapists (yes, my mental health has all but imploded ever since i started working) and they usually just suggest things like switching jobs, or taking up a hobby. none of which is very helpful. my job hunt isn't going well, and i just simply hate working in the first place? and i have no energy for a hobby.
sorry the writing's such a mess. i just needed to vent somewhere. thanks, if you read all the way to the end