I tried to use a throwaway, but looks like it isn't allowed, so here we go…
TLDR: I was fired from the respected institute for something I didn’t do, was accused of being rude and vulgar despite it not being true, my future career in the field or any other job might be jeopardised, and I had a mental breakdown over it. I need some advice about what to do next.
TW: Mentions of suicide and mental health problems.
Hi, first time posting here. This actually happened earlier this year, not now. However, it's still affecting my mental health. I couldn't sleep last night again. This is a little longer story but I think it’s important to describe what happened. It caused me so much anxiety. I almost killed myself because of this. Doing better now, but I guess I need some advice. I'm going to be rather ambiguous about what exactly this job was, as I don't want to be recognised.
I am a student from Central Europe and have a few part-time jobs while I study. Well, used to. I was fired from two of them (for the same institute). For something I didn’t do. They turned me into a terrible rude person you would never want to meet. I still have one job which I really enjoy, but I can see that being fired is affecting me in there as well. And I’m just lost, afraid of having the ruined reputation in my field over this, not talking about the ruined mental health.
It’s difficult to find a job in my field of study. Not many options available. That’s why I was very happy when I got the opportunity to work at the well-known research institute. At first, I was only talking to the visitors, doing more shifts than others and even extra (paid) time to promote the place. It wasn't open to public during the the summer, but I got the opportunity to do the research instead. It seemed like a great career and I imagined myself doing it even after I graduate.
I think the first warning sign should have been the online interview. It started half an hour earlier than it was supposed to. Yes, I was seriously called half an hour early by them, asking where I was. It confused me, but I apologised and logged in. The interview went fine, so I quickly forgot about this.
The second problem took longer to notice. It was the training. The job is related to looking for the respondents for the research. This isn’t the proper term for them, but I won’t use the correct one because that would make me recognisable. All I can say – it wasn’t marketing or anything similar, but researching the experience of various people by interviewing them and writing about it. The training was well done, but it started from the moment when all the interviews with one respondent are done and now what to do with them. We weren’t told how to find respondents, whom to find, how to do the important first contact, how to arrange the interviews, etc. This was very different from my other (currently the only) job where we were actually taught the proper communication, albeit briefly.
We could later attend the interviews to see how they go – which was of course unpaid, in the hot room in the summer, and lasted like four or five hours. I had a hard time staying focused or even awake and asked them to open the window, as it wasn’t affecting the sound recording anyway. They didn’t really want to but eventually obliged. I apologised for snoozing away. I also mentioned that we aren't getting paid for it. This is important. After I was fired, I was told that I was vulgar to my coworkers at this moment. They quoted the words I’d never said. Apparently my coworkers hated me the entire time, despite us chatting in a friendly manner and them saying that five hours is exceptionally long for the interview, so they get my tiredness.
So, time for my own search. It wasn’t easy, but I used some books and websites and found some interesting respondents. It was a little detective work to find them and their contact info. Of course, none of this was paid – you only get paid after the whole thing is done and ready to publish, per each respondent you get. It took lots of my free time, but I found quite many of them. I made a list and contacted the first few respondents. I also prepared two first e-mails messages, first to introduce myself and the second to explain the process. These were sent to every respondent I contacted, with small changes. I asked my superiors for advice when needed, and also kept them updated, as we were supposed to. It would sometime take them forever to actually reply to what I was asking.
Then the problems started. Some respondents wouldn’t trust me because I was using the personal e-mail address. I was even accused of being fake publicly when I was asking around on the social medias. One superior then told me not to use my personal e-mail, but I wasn’t given the official one despite repeatedly asking for it. Neither was I given any confirmation that I actually work for the institute, so it literally depended on whether respondents were willing to trust me. Two respondents agreed but didn’t want to talk to the institute (they actually trash-talked it a lot), so I asked my superiors how to respond to them and maybe change their minds. They offered to contact these respondents themselves, so I was like sure. However, most respondents were very nice and willing to talk. One of the two from before even changed his mind after we two talked further. Only one respondent reacted angrily for no reason and basically insulted me. I was later blamed for this and said I deserved it.
Around this time, I received my salary for the work with the visitors. And it was obviously taxed. A month before that, I signed the document which allows employees to keep their full salary (no taxes) if it’s lower than a certain amount per month (which it was, as is common for part-time jobs). I signed it in front of my superior and it’s mandatory for them to process it. They didn’t and kept telling me for two weeks that there was no document (!!). This was blocking me from signing it at my other (current) job, as it can only be signed at one job at the time. After those two weeks, I finally found out that they forgot to process that document and won’t do so in the future.
And then my career ended. I was told that it’s time for us to go our separate ways and that I’m “no longer welcome at the institute” (these exact words). I wasn’t told the reason at first, so I apologised and asked for the second chance. And then all the hell broke loose. I was told that nobody wants to work with me (why was I learning it only now??), that I was very rude and vulgar and the respondents keep complaining about me (nobody actually was, apparently not even that one guy who had insulted me), that I’m difficult and it’s all my fault, that I ask a lot (because there was no training – which they believe is complete okay and normal), and that I keep having problems and asking them to do my job (I wasn’t?), and that nobody has ever had problems like this (even though when I was earlier checking the contact attempts info for various respondents, some refused in the past or were even angry about being contacted, so how was I the only one experiencing this?). Even the window thing was used against me and they said I was vulgar to my coworkers. Slurs were put into my mouth and quoted back at me. I was told this is the absolutely unique situation they have only experienced once, and they basically accused me of being a terrible employee and rude at the communication all the time. They kept repeating this over and over but without giving any example aside from that window thing (where I wasn't vulgar at all) and apparently my coworkers and respondents all hating me and complaining about me (which turned out to be a lie as well).
I received these e-mails while I was at my other work (the one I still have). I was shell-shocked. This work is at the (interactive) exhibition where I walk around, explain things to the visitors and help them. Lots of room reading. I learnt a lot how to talk to people here – hence why I like that job so much. The visitors sometimes thank me for helping them. It was the exact opposite to how I was described in those e-mails. It messed with my mind. I have been struggling with the mental heath for two years now, including the suicidal ideation for months in a row, and was diagnosed with the serious psychological disorder this year. It's so serious that I can even get the disability because of it (which I sorta plant to do in the future). Stress gives me the physical pain and I have a hard time studying because of it. And these hostile e-mails threw me back. I was suicidal, I felt lost, I believed that everyone hates me, and the visitors and my loved ones only pretend to like me. I reread the polite online conversations with my respondents. I lost it and literally described each one of them to my superiors. I wasn’t far from resending them to prove that I wasn’t rude. I was accused of making scenes – which I guess I was, in a desperate attempt to defend myself. They didn’t care. I stopped replying.
I think I’m only alive because a few things. I received these e-mails during my shift which kept me busy and from freaking out. I saw that the visitors at the exhibition like that I talk to them. I then asked my doctor for meds that calm one down immediately. And I spent several days at my parents’ house. If I stayed at my place, I would have most likely harmed myself, given my mental health problems and the state I was in. I really just wanted to die for several days and had a plan how to do so effectively. Those days were full of the sad brain fog and despair. I was numb. My family and friends helped me a lot. It’s better now, but I sometimes wish I did go with my plan.
Btw, my coworker who got hired at the same time hasn’t even done anything because he also has no idea how to start. We talked about it and he also mentioned the lack of training as the main reason. Apparently, our superiors don’t care. They fired me. If I was doing nothing, I would still have this job, how crazy is that? Now they can’t get enough employees who could talk to the visitors (because it was me who covered most these shifts before), so my superiors have to do so instead. Good.
I told all my respondents (without specifying the reasons, but I hinted that my superiors acted terribly), aside from that rude one. They were all nice about it and we said our goodbyes in a polite or friendly manner, depending on how we were talking before (some were quite friendly). One of them still wants to talk to me – I guess he likes talking to people. I'm sorta thinking about just doing my won research and publishing it, but not all respondents agree with it, so I don't really think I'm going to do so. It would be a nice revenge though. I just feel bad that I didn’t delete all my respondents’ contact info when I still had access to the list. Now someone else is going to take over and take money for those I took hours to find. I didn’t get paid at all, of course. That’s why I hinted at the terrible treatment by the institute when telling my goodbyes to my respondents – so that they wouldn’t want to talk to the institute. I don’t care.
And here we are now. I need to find another part-time job which most likely won’t be in my field of study. As I said before, it’s rather difficult to find something like this. I really hoped this career would be for me, but I was kicked out and basically had my name smeared, luckily only privately for now. This could jeopardise my future career in this field (or honestly in any work), as this is a very respected institute and they basically lied about me being a terrible rude person who didn’t do any work. Who is anyone going to trust? Definitely not me, unless they already know me (I told a few of my trusted professors and they were shocked as well). Given that my current job cooperates with this institute, I could even get fired from here if they decide to mention me. I erased this institute from my CV which I send out, but if someone finds out and contacts them, they can just smear me again.
I’m scared about my future. And my mental health. It’s still not okay. I won’t talk to them again, but they can talk about me. And I don’t know what to. I don’t have time nor money to sue them or stuff like that. I don’t want to ever interact with them or anything related to them, as it causes me big stress and the physical pain I mentioned above. I can barely see their posts online or the exhibition place (which is near my house) without getting anxiety. Recently one responded reached out to me. I contacted her a long time ago but she was too busy. Her nice message made those awful memories return – which isn't her fault, but you know what I mean. I feel terrible that I'm not able to interview these people about their amazing life experiences anymore.
I still have doubts about myself. I wonder whether I'm really a terrible person. When I talk to the people in the exhibition or to my coworkers in there, I often wonder whether they actually secretly hate me and laugh at me. I'm scared of overstepping the line. Doing my job, asking questions, and having a few problems got me fired. How can I trust anyone? Some nights, all these negative thoughts come flooding into my brain and I just can't handle them.
The most I can do is to report them about tax-related document, but this could make them go after me (they will know it was me) and basically ruin my future, so I’m rather reluctant to do so. And of course, my financial situation is worse now because of me losing two jobs for this institute.
Any advice or support would be appreciated. Thank you for reading.