I have been working a retail job for the last 6 years. It's been my only main job in my life. I had issues with anxiety and depression that prevented me from working earlier in life. I only got this job out of complete sheer desperation when I began dating a girl I met. I just wanted to have some money in my pocket and just not feel completely worthless.
Fast forward to the end of 2020 and I just can't take it anymore. It's low pay, increasing responsibility and lack of respect from management forced me to look somewhere for work. My father works at the IRS so I thought I would try over there. He had good and bad things to say about the work but I decided to just FORCE my confidence and begin the hiring process. Despite all my anxiety. Eventually I got through all the hoops, my first day was in March of 2021. I was excited and nervous. It was only a little more money but it I would get raises in the future. It was a data entry job too, I thought to myself I can handle that.
Well…the training environment was a “class room environment”. I had severe trauma in school with the “class room environment”. They begin teaching us all the stuff we would learn, in a text book, on paper, exercises, etc. Right away I was thrust back into school. All my fears, anxiety, depression went into maximum overload. I saw everyone else getting and understanding the material, and there was me. Not understanding, failing the exercises.
I had a complete panic attack, I was brought to tears. It was just like it was back in elementary school. Struggling to keep up….I lost all motivation to continue. I saw the path laid out before me. It would end in failure. My mind had convinced me this was a colossal mistake.
I quit and returned to my old retail job. The most humiliating thing that could happen to me. The whole situation has done irreparable damage to my psyche. I have further sunk into nothing but pure regret and hatred. I'm now completely frozen in fear to find another job, because I think it will happen again.
I contemplate suicide often. I never attempted it, I guess I just fantasize about it. Even though it only makes me feel worse.
I just wanted to share my story.